CombatACE: Hoser Stories - CombatACE

CMDR Joe “Hoser” Satrapa (USN, Ret) is a living NAVAIR legend, who I have alluded to in prior posts, especially on air combat ("No kill like a GUNS kill!" to quote the man himself). Currently working for CALFIRE, he was recently in the news for landing an S-2 with only a 4” box of visibility out the front windscreen, thanks to getting hit by fire-extinguishing slurry from the plane in front of him – a box he cleared by dumping water on a glove and reaching through the top opening of his S-2, wiping it away from the windscreen.

There are tens, if not hundreds of “Hoser” stories – but the unique thing about them is that unlike “sea stories,” nearly all of them are true. He has flown the F-8 and RA-5 over Vietnam, the EC-121, F-4 (for a FAM Hop in 1974), F-14 (from ACE/AIM in 1974 to the early 80’s and evidently the F-14B in the later 80's) and F/A-18 (late 80’s-very early 90's). The stories listed here are related by “Clem” Clemente and “Hey Joe” Parsons, both Tomcat RIOs, and don’t even scratch the surface of all the Hoser stories that exist. Some of the Vietnam stories are just amazing (to include how he figured out how to shoot a .357 revolver out of the cockpit of his F-8! - something about a ram-air/purge opening...)

These stories were taken directly from tomcat-sunset.org, which is getting harder to join thanks to spammers, but if you are a member/become one, you can still find ‘em right there. So, without further adieus, here’s a few “Hoser” stories:

“Clem” Clemente
-Meeting the Legend-

I was hearing Hoser stories long before I ever met "Satrapa Joe." In fact when I finally DID get to meet him -- circa 1985 when I returned from my first squadron tour to join VF-101 as a RAG instructor and Hoser was just recently returning to active duty -- I asked HIMSELF about "Hoser stories" ...

Back bar, Oceana -- Friday early evening happy hour (of course) ... picture dancers (Tasha), wall to wall aviators and local talent ... and there he was -- the mythic Hoser.

I walked up and shook his hand, told him what an honor it was to finally MEET him as I'd been hearing these incredible STORIES -- they couldn't ALL be true??!!

He smiled (now Hoser was a little more "grizzled" than I was used to ... fighter business is a young man's game and even the skippers were relatively in "their prime" ... Hoser was a mite more mature -- had a little grampa Pettibone's going on. But there was this crinkle in his eye ... and an excitement in just sharing the air with this guy.

He said something like ... "you can't believe all those 'Hoser stories' -- sometimes I even hear new ones -- I have no idea where some of them come from."

So I said "well, what about fishing with grenades?"

"Oh ... well ... yeah, I did that"

"What about the story that when you first joined the Tomcat community (early 70's Miramar when F-8's still ruled the nest) ... did you really take off in a Tomcat one night around dusk and boom up and down the coast of San Diego -- at low altitude -- with ONE afterburner lit ... then snuck back into Miramar and all the F-8 guys got in trouble?!" (they had one afterburning engine)

The eye and mouth crinkled ... "yeah ... I did do that!"

In fact, I can't think of ANY Hoser story I'M aware of ... that weren't true ; =)

-2 vs WHAT?-

Picture Hoser ... recently brought back from retirement by Sec Nav himself after a challenge at the JO forum at Tailhook. When I saw Hoser shortly afterward in the Oceana club in his aviation greens ... he said he just "opened up the closet and IT WAS STILL RIGGED!" (after several years of retirement, the devices were still attached to the shirt! Laundering NOT REQUIRED!)

So Hoser becomes the guns phase leader (again) and is rubbing shoulders with those of us 15 years junior in seniority, about 30 years his junior in experience.

Hoser is scheduled for a 2 vs 2 ACM flight against Langley F-15s with a student in his back seat and a student pilot on his wing. Wingman goes down on deck (airplane breaks). Hoser launches alone and unafraid and they check in to the controller as a "flight" of two. Hoser and his RIO proceed to talk back and forth like they're two a/c instead of one.

Fight's on!

Eagles get tally of one at merge (imagine that) and they break their necks looking for the other Tomcat (which is back at the line at VF-101). Hoser -- the master of the slow flight -- maneuvers in for one gun kill, then two.

Knock it off, knock it off!!!

Eagle drivers are pissed when they find out that the "two-ship" they just fought was Hoser and his RIO. All reposition for a second run. Now it's a KNOWN 1 vs 2 and the Eagle drivers (one Major and one Lt Col -- were HOT!)

Fight's on!

Picture afterburner spouting F-15s pulling their delta wings off -- and Hoser with the big boys (flaps) working in a "non-landing configuration," cart-wheeling and pivoting across the sky like Mary Lou Retton on steroids. Gun kill #3 ... followed by #4.

Knock it off, knock it off!!! Everyone's out of gas, RTB.

Phone rings in Skippers office at VF-101. Lt Col on phone wants to know WHO the heck was in that Tomcat that did things "not possible by the laws of physics?!" Skipper looks at flight schedule -- sees Hoser, and with a knowing smile, gives the Air Force officer the number to the phase leader's office to debrief with Hoser himself. Word filters down to Hoser that this Lt Col was impressed and wants to (a crude expression was used here I won't repeat since this is a family board.)

Ring, ring. Hoser picks up phone and humbly says "Lieutenant JG Satrapa SIR!" (making the two Air Force officers think they'd just got their butts kicked by an F-14 STUDENT PILOT!!) "Thank you sir, thank you sir" blurts out Hoser while he tries not to bust out laughing -- the rest of us were less successful.

“Hey Joe” Parsons
-VX-4, we apologize in advance...-

Upon arrival in VX-4, he was scheduled to fight the best F-4 stick in the squadron as part of normal humbling rite of passage. Despite having no F-4 background, he proceeded to show the experienced F-4 driver (no slouch himself) how it was done and earned a spot on the select AIM/ACEVAL team where he competed head to head for the best kill ratio. Hoser was and still is larger than life and flies a S-2T fighting fires in CA.

When at VX-4, he delighted in using a slingshot with spent ammo from firing range to knock down seagulls. When base police objected to his digging in the firing range backstops, he reversed the tables and started stalking them until they cried Uncle.

Another Hoser true story was when he checked into VX-4, he discovered that his last squadron (Vigilantes) had sent a sympathy card knowing they'd never be the same after the arrival of Hoser.

And there was the time (told to me by base XO) that security stops him at the gate with an AK-47 lying on his passenger seat. All sorts of calls get made and alarms go off until the upper management (CO's office) hears it is just "Hoser" and he forgot about it being in the car. The Base XO went and retrieved “Hoser” and his weapon. Seems “Hoser” was really into weapons and always had them around. Neighbors had to get used to sound of firearms from his backyard.

“Clem” Clemente
-ACE/AIM Results-

OK, here's another classic Hoser story: Hoser wasn't really a "test community" kind of guy ... but here he was working on this project that was to test out the forward quarter capability of heat the heat seeking AIM-9 "LIMA" which was hitting the market and was a face shooter (you could get a "tone" in the forward quarter and didn't have to maneuver to the classic rear quarter kill spot).

So Hoser was on the team to work on how to defeat this new capability ... and he did.

His fellow test pilots couldn't understand, but when they got to the merge against Hoser, they couldn't get a tone! On deck, with pencil sharpened, Mr Satrapa was about to write his report to the community -- Hoser tactics to beat the mighty LIMA.

"OK, first you need a LOT OF SMACK (read speed). Then at 10 miles, you shut 'em both down (i.e. the ENGINES), not IDLE mind you shut the F___ERS DOWN! At 2 miles (inject cold car cranking noises with turning keys motion and pumping an invisible gas peddle), you CRANK EM BACK UP. You'll still have about 400 at the merge and I'd suggest you make the first move in the vertical!"

They never let him write up the report.

“Hey Joe” Parsons
-Grenade Fishing Amplification-

Hoser and a bud go fishing with him, Hoser taking beer and a small tackle box. After a period of time with Hoser drinking and the other guy casting, his bud says "aren't you going to fish?" Hoser then opens the toolbox and to his frind's utter amazement pulls out a hand grenade, pulsl the pin and tosses it into the water. Then comes the muffled boom and stunned fish floating to the surface. Hoser grabs a net and turns to his stunned companion and says "You gonna fish or what?"

-One story of Hoser in Vietnam/Amp on getting the F-8’s in trouble-
As to the [F-8] burner story, Hoser was always full of mishief. An A-7 pilot told me that after returning to the carrier at night and setting up in the marshal stack off Vietnam, Hoser came rocketing up through the stack in burner broadcasting a SAM launch warning tone by jamming his masking into his helmet over the ear-cup and selecting transmit while putting his RHAW gear into test and therefore making everyone think a SAM was somehow coming up at them.

--That’s all for now!--