A very sad week for me (WARNING: RANT AHEAD)

[mustang60348 2]

WARNING: Rant ahead

 

 

On Tuesday of this week I had the absolutely devestating experience of finding a good friend of mine who had committed suicide. What made the experience even worse was that he had left his laptop playing a suicide video over and over again. In the video he fully explains why he felt he had no choice but to end his life, or as he called it "End his utter suffering". All of this suffering was caused by the Family Court where we live.

 

About 1 1/2 years ago his wife locked him out of the house. He came home from work to find his clothes on the lawn with a couple of boxes of his stuff and a copy of an order of protection(OOP) stating he could not enter the house. He called the cops to find out she had gotten this OOP and he never knew a thing about it. He called me and asked if I could help him. My wife and I took him in and started the process to see what he could do. After 7 days and about $2000 his lawyer was able to get a transcript of the ex parte (he wasn't there) proceeding that was used to issue the OOP. What he found out (and showed me) was absolutely shocking. Her 'evidence' to get this OOP was that (I am not s**tting you, I read the transcript) , she didn't feel safe because he had raised his voice to her over the last several months.

 

Once she had the OOP he was prevented from contacting her, the kids and everything to do with them. Over the next year or so, he had wages garnished, no contact with kids. At the end he was paying %76.4 of his wages to CS, why so high. Because the judge in his infinte wisdom decided that since he had earned $86,000 5 years ago during boom times, that was the amount of salary he was going to impute to him now. With the downturn in the economy his salary was been greatly reduced after being layed off and getting a new job. But this didn't matter to the family court.

 

After a year he was finally able to get the OOP dismissed as he finally found someone with some sense that said "Raising your voice a couple of times is not a reason to issue an OOP". Did this matter though, not one little bit. By this time everything he owned was gone. She had virtually cleaned out his bank accounts, he hadn't seen his kids for over a year and when he tried to see them, they no longer wanted anything to do with him. I think the biggest hurt for him and perhaps the final straw was when his 6 year old said to him "Daddy, I don't want to see a deadbeat like you that won't pay his child support". For him (and me as well) there is no way these are the words of a 6 year old. This came from the childs mother, but it didn't really matter.

 

In the video he details exactly what happened to him with the court system. Here is a man that by all accounts was a decent loving father who did nothing wrong yet was treated a full criminal without benefit of a trial. At each stage more crap was piled on him. He was ordered to pay all the court costs of both parties (Btw, his wife only earns about $3000 a year less than he did). His kids now need mental professional help and guess who has to pay for that, yup he did.

 

At the end he felt as though his life was over, there was no end in sight. He had a full time (40 hours a week) job and yet had to live with us and had nothing to call his own. He loved his kids and although some people might think this is a cowards way out, in his mind there was no other route to end the suffering he was enduring.

 

What scares me most about this on a personal level is that this could happen to any father. The amount of 'evidence' required to get an OOP is so small as to be laughable and even though he was finally able to get it reversed , the damage was done. He also found out recently from this ex-wifes sister was that she got ALL this advice from a local womans shelter. They actually gave a fully detailed booklet on what to do and what to say, how to say it. the booklet even gave fully written examples of what to put on the OOP application. This was a "How to screw over the father of your children". This booklet even shows how to prevent liable suits by being as vague as possible as to avoid having to prove something happened. After all, who among us hasn't raised their voice in an argument. Her application for the OOP was written exactly word for word from their example.

 

Sorry for the long rant but my god, when is this going to change. When are father finally going to stand up and stop this from happening.

[+Jarhead1 27]

Yet again our magnificent court system at work. WTF?

[+whiteknight06604 931]

about a thousand things come to mind to say but none of it will help.me adding to your rant isn't the answer. your friend deservered a lot better and the courts more and more fail fathers and it's only getting worse.I'll say a prayer for your friend and although I don't think she will I hope his ex feels the guilt of this for the rest of her life.the children are also losers caught up in this and used by a selfish person

[mustang60348 2]

It appears to me from talking to different people over the last year or so is that this isn't an isolated case , that this stuff is systematic. BTW, just to let you know, this happens to mothers as well. It just depends who gets to court first. If a DAD wants to do this to MOM, he can do it as well. He won't have a womans shelter to help him, but this stuff is easy to find on the net. I have seen over the last year or so after spending time in court with him that there are moms going thru this as well. It would appear to me that the ONLY concern of the court system is "ARE YOU PAYING CS".

 

The womans shelter thing bothers me, because this is just another case of something designed to be wonderfull being totally corrupted by unsavioury people.

[eraser_tr 29]

That's terrible, I'm sorry to hear.

 

Sadly, the entire legal system automatically defers to the woman's account in almost all cases. I fear for those kids, that mother clearly has serious issues to put it politely, and shouldn't have sole custody of the children.

[WangoTango 0]

Very sad, and scary at the same time. I love my kids so much, that I can understand how the pain of separation from them would be overwhelming. The fact that you found your friend in this state makes the event a traumatic one for you also. Hopefully "ranting" as you put it, helps you in someway at least.

I have known more than a few separated/divorced guys who have gone the suicide route, its too sad. The women always seem to come out ahead, even if they don't deserve to.

Edited March 20, 2009 by WangoTango

[Atreides 144]

Mustang, I'm truly sorry about your loss and the terrible action that your friend had to take. That's a terrible tragedy. So sorry, for what its worth may he rest in peace.

[Viper6 3]

Mustang, I'm truly sorry about your loss and the terrible action that your friend had to take. That's a terrible tragedy. So sorry, for what its worth may he rest in peace.

Amen. It is stories like this that keep me glad I chose to not have kids.

[gbnavy61 1]

Amen. It is stories like this that keep me glad I chose to not have kids.

 

Uh, I'm not sure that was the point, but in response to that, I think if you find the right person to have kids with, it shouldn't be an issue.

 

***

 

In any event, Mustang, I'm sorry for your loss. That's really a terrible situation. Wish I could say something more meaningful.

[Viper6 3]

IF the key word and if that person is not the one and only time does tell I'm glad i will never have to be on the recieving end of the story that was told here.

[Nesher 629]

sorry to hear that!

 

i had an officer in my unit who had problems with his ex too

luckly not horrible case as your friend..

but she did try to get as much money she could and tried to prevent him from seeing his own kid!

and that's pissed me off!!!

 

i sometimes can't understand these women? what the hell is wrong with you?

to deny your child's father just for retaliation? for kicks?

women like her should be executed i tell ya!! they don't really care about the children..

all they care about is money and screwing the husband

i can understand if she really got beaten or abused but damn.. no respect for nothing? just personal kicks?

 

i really hope the court at least learned from this sad case...

and for you to have happier and better stories to come

<S>

[ironroad 218]

You have every right to be upset Mr. Mustang. I have known a few men who have been washed through the "system" in such a manner as well due to an angry or abusive spouse and many of them are now just getting it back together.

 

It makes me sick how corrupt the civil court system is when it comes to fathers and men. It automatically assumes that all men everywhere are potential murders, abusers, and beaters, and that all women are potential hapless victims. Men, who often have no idea of what is going on get hit with child support payments for children that are not theirs (but a judge automatically grants payment to the scheming mother), have police called on them (in most states, regardless of who said or started what, when the police respond to a domestic dispute they automatically detain the male giving him a "record"), and are held hostage by excessive alimony and support fees to vindictive women. Furthermore the notion of "no fault" divorce really perturbs me.

 

We live in a system where the male is always assumed as being the aggressor and in the wrong and it takes a load of overwhelming evidence (at the right time) just to give him a chance. Abuse towards male spouses is taken as a joke, the government wants to play daddy (keeping mommy where she is), and a father can not and shall not raise children on his own unless the mother is under some serve circumstances (i.e. she does not want the kids, has an addiction, etc.). It is a truly sad state we live in I am sorry your friend chose that route and you have to go through it as well Mustang,

Edited March 20, 2009 by ironroad

[coolpilot 2]

It´s hard for me to believe what a woman is capable of doing just to p"%s of his husband,

she practically ruined his life. Also the system was really unfair, if you get a lower wage

then how the hell do they want you to pay all that money???

 

This is unbelievable, sorry to hear this Mustang, may your friend rest in peace.

[+Fates 63]

Sorry for the long rant but my god, when is this going to change. When are father finally going to stand up and stop this from happening.

 

Mustang, Very sorry for your loss. I battled for 2 years in a divorce over custody which ended 1 month ago. In the end, the courts awarded me primary custody of my children. This is mainly due to the fact that I requested the courts appoint a GAL. A GAL is a Gaurdian Ad Litem which is an attorney that represents the best interest of the children. The GAL actually recommended that the children stay with me. My ex has no place to live, no job, yet still felt it was best to take my ass to court and beg for custody knowing that she had no means to care for them. In the end, I'm out $10,000 and two years of my life that I will never get back. But, I thank my lucky stars that my children are with me. Their mother is not a bad person and I would never teach my children to berate her, but she would just never grow up and become responsible.....and the courts seen that all the way.

[dsawan 613]

Hi, this is sad and I offer condolences to your friend. he did not deserve this. It is for this reason i have no plans to get married and have to deal with this crap. i believe in living a single life which means more independence and freedom than have to deal with the big L word(lawsuit or divorce). It sucks, but this is reality.

[ONETINSOLDIER 2]

What a total bummer, sad that felt he had no other recourse,

the thing is, it can even happen without the wife / significant others knowledge. I lived with a woman, she had 2 kids and the 5 year old boy went to bed with chewing gum, Next morning it was a unremovable ball of goo, so i ended up taking scissors and cutting it out leaving a bald spot the size of a fifty cent piece, That day the babysitter was at the store with him and the cashier asks what happened and the boy said"tony did it",,,,,,,,next morning,,,

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, C.P.S. pays us a visit, I have to move out of my own house, cant have no contact with any of them and have to drive to reno 3 times (500 mile round trip+ hotel+food+ gas + counseling session, etc) just to find out that Im acrtually a decent freakin role model and the boy fears his mom more ,,

All this, with only a phone call by an over zealous crusader with no real insight concerning our home life,, it can happen to ANY ONE OF YOU,,,

i feel so sorry for your friend,,

[Rambler 1-1 9]

Mustang, I can't tell you how bad I feel about this whole thing. I've seen it happen 3 times, from different perspectives, but never as bad as the situation you have to deal with. The truth is that as long as people stray from the truth in their thoughts and words, things like this can happen. Terrible. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the opressed from the opressor, but sometimes, there is no need for anybody to be opressed at all.

[Mannie 21]

This is a shocking story.

I'm so sad to hear about your friend, may he RIP.

 

Something must be done to bring balance back between the rights woman have and the rights men have.

In almost every story like this, the court is taking the woman side of the story and give them protection.

 

And I say: JUSTICE FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

 

We man must take the blame for not defending ourselves like woman do.

When was the last time anybody had seen a men shelter around?

 

A free of charge advocate advice in court for man abused by there woman?

Edited March 21, 2009 by Mannie

[GreyCap 0]

Sorry for your loss Mustang, I know the shock of losing a friend to suicide.

[Icarus999 70]

This is very sad and I will refrain from venting my own anger at our family law system for allowing things like this to take place. It is unfortunate that men have no sense of unity in the face of this kind of injustice. Your friends story is one that needs to be told, it is cases like this that will get the attention required to change these laws.

[WangoTango 0]

Sadly I don't seeing things changing any time soon. As men, we look at asking for help, or expressing emotional pain as a weakness. I'm not saying its right. Sadly the story quite often ends up like this one.

Men of today seem to be paying for all the unanswered abuse in the past. Now men are automatically guilty, and have to fight like hell prove themselves innoccent.

[macelena 1,070]

As law student, i can tell yo that there is a lot of trouble trying to find the measure to require

evidence. If you ask for to much, the time spent gathering them may mean that the wife is killed,

but if you try it fast, you get it this way. Let alone politics.

 

In high school i saw a companion of mine trying such in the bathroom, who knived his neck because

a girl left him for an asshole. Fortunately, we could stop the bleeding until medics arrived. When i got back home,

my blank face and my clothes in blood scared the s**t out of my mom. He´s on therapy

 

I don´t like the idea of suicide, and perhaps it seems the coward way, but we should understand that minds

under such stress get mad ideas. Sorry for him

Edited March 21, 2009 by macelena

[eraser_tr 29]

It's cases like this that make me sure of my decision to go into law.

 

I've also been on the receiving end in a very similar situation to your high school experience. I was completely and utterly villified after what was already an uneasy situation with this one girl blew up in my face. It took a great deal of pressure on the school to bury the whole thing, if I didn't have an entire deck of aces up my sleeve, they'd have probably tossed a ton of arbitrary charges at me because I made someone "feel uncomfortable". In turn I would have drudged up 10 years of actions made to make me "feel uncomfortable" (read irreversably traumatized) and a near total disregard for my well being into lawsuits and a ton in paper of state and federal laws down on them. I would have done it anyway, but my parents wouldn't allow it and couldn't do it on my own.

[zmatt 2]

It's sad to say, but this thing happens a lot. In a society when social change takes place, like woman's lib there is a tendency to over compensate. I think its called reverse discrimination.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, I have lost close friends of my own, and although I can't imagine the pain of dealing with a friends suicide, I know how dark it can be. my prayers are with you. I'm not going to rant about the court system, or the morals of the wife, or anything like that, it wont help you at all. But we can rest in the notion that no matter what beliefs you hold we can all agree he is no longer suffering. Nobody deserved what happened to him.