a friend posted this I just had to share it

[Dagger 21]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I just admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand - a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the round like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

 

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*((*)&)(#%)jld*(*#***!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

 

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

 

A three second SON-OF-A-BITCH. .. That hurt like hell!!!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

 

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 8 lbs.

 

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return

 

 

He won't say if it's true or not.

[Sky Captain 0]

ROFL.

 

Funniest thing I've read all day.

[spook27 5]

This guy sounds like a potential ‘Darwin Award’ candidate! There are many occasions when a healthy man might take a look at some machinery, scenery, or other situation with curiosity. Leave it there!

 

Did you hear about the poor guy that parked his Piper Arrow at a small airfield for a ‘rest break’ before continuing his journey? He had a few beers and then climbed back in and ran the airplane at full power down the airfield, taking off smoothly.

 

Unfortunately, in his inebriated state, he had forgotten to unlock and remove the Yoke-Brake. Still attached, the device prevented all but the smallest movement of the yoke.

 

The keys to unlock it were on the keyring with his ignition key, which was in the ignition.

 

Eyewitnesses saw the Piper climb out steeply, stall and nose in…..

[Malik 0]

Made my day.

Edited November 22, 2006 by Malik

[Splash2 0]

..

Edited November 23, 2006 by Splash2

[csb 12]

Sorry, Dagger, this isn't a go at you but I cannot comprehend American attitudes towards weaponry.

 

You went to a gun shop to buy your wife a present?

 

We read and here about this and think, "Bugger me!?"

 

I can, however, understand the desire to make sure it works. Gutsy!

[Sky Captain 0]

This was his friend.

 

And besides, nowadays you never know when your wife might get mugged or something.

[csb 12]

Ah, of course! I got engrossed in the story, written in 1st person.

[+96th_Nightshifter 0]

Gawd I almost peed Myself reading that - awesome lol