Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
pcpilot

Texas Chili Cookoff

Recommended Posts

A member of my gaming group posted this on our forum, what a hoot...

 

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this

whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. **Note:

Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first

two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those

of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The

notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

 

The scorecards from the event: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.

These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw

the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from

all

of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a srong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips

off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s**t to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed

me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the

4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,

passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot chili. :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use, Privacy Policy, and We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue..