Lt. James Cater

Damnit, lets get someone who has the balls and ablitiles to do this. DiD is the way to go! If i had he chance. i,d be doing and reporting on at least two missions a day

Looks like this is it. After serious contemplation and factoring of various odds and angles, it comes down to the fact that my life has been, and is currently, an unending series of futile actions, shortcomings, failures, and unrealized dreams, hopes,and desires. In short, a complete waste of a life. So it's time to roll the dice one last time and see if victory can be snatched from the jaws of defeat. This is the final offensive. I've figure on giving it one last effort, an attack with everything i've got on one narrow front. If by perhaps early May of 2014 there is no noticible breakthrough, I'll cease this useless endeavor. There is no place in the world for a middle aged alcoholic loser. Forget about being a has been, i'm a never was. Through proper planning and execution, that'll change. If not, so be it. Face the firing squad and die. From nothing to something, let's see if it can be done. At the moment i'm back on the streets again. Nothing unusual in that. In the last 16 years i think i've spent perhaps 5 homeless. It's a undesirable but familiar situation. The recovery factor on the streets now though are very difficult. It was much easier to work yourself off of skid row in the past. Now it is rather difficult because if you are a single male worker, you are on your own as the shelters and such couldn't care less about you. Junkies, bums and other such trash are what gets the attention. f*** them all. As was discussed some time ago in another thread, i'm an alcoholic. Officially i'm a middle stage alcoholic. A rather fancy name for a well advanced addict. At first i thought i had things under control since i didn't base my days around drinking anymore but it fooled me. When i said enough is enough and decided to quit cold turkey, the withdrawal was vicious enough that after a few days i got a cheap motel room and knocked off a case of beer to get back to a semblance of normality. Now i have a couple of beers every morning to be able to function. What options are there? AA is a holy rolling pious joke. Imagine them celebrating sobriety when some places report relapse rates as high as 70%. Screw that. The best thing i've found is called the Sinclair Method, which is incredible but i can't afford it. Guess i'll stay with the daily fix until i make some money. Speaking of money, if i don't have a job (a real one) by May 15th life is going to be hell. The timing is on my side though as the hiring season is right around the corner and i have my union dues paid up. The trick is trying to last past Labor day so as to be able to maintain the lease on some place. And if by chance you are permanent? Welcome to an essentially s**t job for the rest of your life. Nothing like going home smelling of rancid grease and rotting food to let you know just how far you have made it. At age 45 it's too late to find something else and retrain, no one will hire you. Easier to get someone younger. Also, physically i'm in trouble. My knees are completely shot to the point that i can't run. Seriously, i can do something like a cross between a jog and fast shuffle but that's it. I'm in frequent pain also. It really hurts and there nothing to be done about it. Just grit and bear it. So where is this all going? I'll tell you. I found a picture of myself recently that i hadn't seen in countless years. It was taken at Ft Dix, NJ in summer 1985 while i was at basic training. I was 17 years old. I want to go back to that stage. The point in life when the future is a blank slate end everthing is ahead of you. To be able to dream, think, plan and act with an assurance that things will go well would be a blessing. Of course i f***ed up and by 19 i was in quite a s**t state personally and my fate was sealed by the time i was 21 and started drinking regularly. By 25 i was one of the heaviest drinkers of my peers and by 30 i was drinking even harder. To add to the train wreck was the collection of phobias and anxieties that were fine tuned over the years until learned helplessness was the norm. The more important or critical the task, the greater the failure. Loss upon loss reinforces until one is virtually still lest life drops another cinder block upon your head. You desperately want to DO or BE something but you've learned not to stick your neck out. In the meantime you watch the world pass you by until one day you realize that you are looking up out of a deep grave and the climb out will be a formidable task. I've dug myself pretty deep. About two years ago i cut myself off from friends and associates. After all these years i couldn't take being the loser of the bunch. We're getting old and everyone had a life that blossomed except me. I didn't even get off the starting line as i never went anywhere. Whenever i aspired to something of worth it was always out of reach or seemingly over my head, even if i did find out, years later, that if i only had my head straight, i might have had a hell of a living at the very least. The coulda, woulda, shouldas kill me on a daily basis. "If only" scenarios are constantly in my head, i can't get rid of them no matter what i do. On a bit of an upside, in the past some months i was studying quite a bit of selfhelp type materials and it worked to an extent. I was actually feeling rather upbeat and positive even though i knew i was in a bad way all things considered. Things were going to turnout all right. I felt like "Okay i have to do this and it will lead to that" "Get this and you'll be able to do this" "Be like this and you can go here". Things like that. There are some condos i see every day and i would think "All right, That's where i'll be living soon. Right there on that floor facing this way, two cars in the garage". I'd think about what clothes i'd wear, what kind of shoes, stuff like that. I'd visualize what kind of social life i wanted. Until the alcohol withdrawal hit, then it was all over. The depression was the worst i've had in years and no doubt if i had a pistol i surely would have shot myself. Ever since the withdrawal episode i haven't felt the same. I try to think those thoughts above but it just doesn't work anymore. It's a just a stupid pipedream fantasy it seems. A couple of the books i've read in recent days are darkening the gloom instead of lighting life despite their beneficial subject matter. So what am i going to do? Attack. There is no other course of action available. It's going to take the most radical and to be honest, masochistic kind of self denial action to have any chance of success. I'm making list of petty pleasures and distractions in order so i can eliminate them from my daily existence. Only if and when something truly noteworthy occurs should they be doled out. Diet should be cut back to the minimum, as spartan as possible. Why treat yourself to such joys if you have done nothing to deserve it? Let the pain and discomfort be a lesson. Then there's better living through chemistry. For some time in jobs past i've been quite the caffine pill popper to cut through the effects from the previous nights drinking. Now i figure on upping the ante. Ive been scouting out some workout supplements to get an edge in as i prefer to work wired anyway. Now i will be up longer so i can keep working on my faults. I've also been plotting out on where i can ahold of Xanax and Klonopin as well as that drug used in the Sinclair method. I'm not sure of that one but the other two i can get from junkies at the methadone clinic. Why? I need them and even if there is a "free" clinic that would prescribe them, i positively refuse to lower myself to have to rely on anything that reeks of welfare. I refuse to be treated with contempt and denied assistance being a single male while some project dwelling parasite with a stroller bound welfare magnet gets fawned over like royalty. Okay, there is something i am working on that i won't tell anyone. Silly as it sounds, everytime i've told someone of my plans in detail things have utterly failed. It's a hell of a long shot but it's all i have left. I've spent years studying and gathering knowledge about it but until recently never had the nerve to actually go out and DO it. Had two times out last month and one went very well even if i was having quite a panic attack and the second i got distracted and messed everything up. I've admittingly overthought and overanalyzed the second time out and it prevented me from a third attempt. After i get a regular job and have a place of my own i'll get back out there. Until then 5 hours a day computer runs with 7 hours on the weekends. I absolutely have to be methodical and maniacal about this as it's my last hope. I've had two prior deadlines in the past where i figured if nothing got better i would just stop. It's amazing the mind's ability to fool one's self as to the actual quality of life. Past those dates, everything has been steadily worsening. I'm determined not to be fooled a third time. Come next year there it will be only one of two scenarios occuring. The first will a new plane of existence. No, not existence. LIFE! Actually living, enjoying a life and what the future holds. Well at least be able to look at things and say "I've got this sorted and am getting this worked on so i can live live as i want and desire" The second will be in a cheap motel. The empties of a twelve pack of beer and a quart of whiskey littering the room the last thing i see as i raise a pistol and put a bullet in my head. Now that i think about it... If by some chance i should find out i have something like cancer or such condition, i'll refuse all medical care and happily go away. Conquer or Perish.

Very true. One thing that always strikes me as rather strange is the sheer amount of public panic whenever things like this occur. Someone asked me once post 9/11 if i worried about terrorists. My answer was that i was more concerned about the guy next door. Having lived many a year in places where violence was(is) a common and accepted course of action to deal with certain situations, i can't get myself to do more than shrug and carry on at such outbreaks. One observation about the news coverage...CBS news a few hours ago had a "Breaking News" bit where they said there was someone of interest who was seen with a backpack and it went on to describe the suspect's clothing in detail. Thanks CBS, maybe next time you might want to just say, "Hey you! Time to get the hell out of dodge and lay low". Idiots.

Ok so things are getting settled now. i'm back at my old camp site and it's pretty much good to go. Funny how you can get a better rest outside than in a shelter. Don't have filthy bastards coughing or hacking all around you and no lice or bedbugs to worry about. Was cold as hell a few nights ago but things calmed down yesterday and all we have to be concerned with now is rain. Maybe idiot teenagers in the near future but we all are armed to one extent or another so let them come. Only hassle is some idots screwed up where we stash our sleeping gear and so we have to figure out a new spot.Also keeping clean enough to be presentable at the union hall. Got some union work on Saturday and i should be getting W2s soon from where i had them sent so some future cash is guaranteed. However, i anticipate being in a hotel kitchen before mid May. Before that, i should be doing my new thing though. It's going to be touch and go as i'm running on a pretty thin margin but if things go as planned i should be able to get a cheap motel. Just have to stay rock hard and disciplined. I got curious as to all the different jobs and roles i've had since age 17 and it's a bit of a list. There's one or two i don't even know what to call so i didn't bother. Kitchen Utility Pot Washer Kitchen Steward Restaurant Runner Chef's Runner Casino Porter Utility Porter Utility Houseman Houseman Guest Room Attendant Convention Porter Construction Cleanup Laborer Carpenter's Assistant Wharehouseman Wharehouse Porter Security Guard Business Manager Bass Tech Drum Tech Advertisment Distributer Phone Salesman Cart Attendant Tire Mechanic (Foreman) Maintainence Man Vehicle Paint Prepper Landscaper (Foreman) Mechanic's Assistant Auto Shuttler Roadside Customer Assistance Newspaper Delivery Factory Cook Lumper Auction Traffic Director Fast Food Worker Pattern Cutter Spot Welder What idiot me should have done was gone to college, study finance, and got paid. Also missed the dotcom wave, poker boom, daytrading, the 1980s crack boom, as well as other opportunities. Might as well go for broke now, don't have anything else to lose. Failure is a not an option.

Drake's.....Chocolate thicker than anything Hostess had to offer! God help you if you ate their stuff without milk or a soda handy!

This pretty much sums up my view also.

Check your inbox.

Well Dave, i can't go to the VA because i have nothing coming. As a matter of fact my military "career" is the foundation for everything that has happened since. Joined Army Reserve April 1985 as a 76 Yankee (Unit Supply Specialist). Go to Basic training June 85, deal with various crap including being injured while on a detail and being unable to do PT for about a week. Fell short by 1 pushup on PT test. Made two more tries can't get past that last pushup. Funny as hell isn't it? Anyways, unit graduates and i hang around the barracks doing details for another week or so. Finally got orders to go home since unit was primarily made up of high school students on split training option. Last day on base i was givin my 201 file and lo and behold, i figure they made an error. I have a certificate of graduation inside. Well, back home, moved and hooked up with local Reserve unit while a senior in high school. First onset of depression begins as i consider myself a failure at being a soldier as i was rather a perfectionist at the time. Didn't realize the Army couldn't care less about falling short a mere pushup or so. After a few months stop reporting to unit and got thrown out of school for too many tardies/absences. Went to work in a hotel kitchen and screwed that all up after 4 months or so. Really depressed now. Move again and try to get attached to a local unit. Instead, Re-enlist as Regular Army 19 Echo (M48-M60 MBT crewman) go to FT Knox KY, Fall 1986-This is where the grave digging begins. At OSUT-Being the only Private that has been through training i get frustrated one day by my platoons' screwups and punch a wall locker, really breaking the hell out of a knuckle. On the x ray it looks like a blooming flower as the bone splits along multiple lines. Now have hand and forearm in cast for about two months. Go through all kinds of training in that damn cast, even qualified well on grenades and pistol. Shot damn good with M3 submachine gun and M16 rifle as. By the time the cast and follow up splint were removed my arm muscles had seriously atrophied and i was in deep s**t. Training continues and it's time for the PT tests. Excellent in situps and running but you guessed it, pushups shot all to hell. Multiple attempts all No/Gos. So the Army makes a decision. I'm not good enough to be RA, but i'm too good a tanker (In retrospect, i was one hell of a trainee who was miles ahead of anyone as far as armor is concerned) to let go so they reassign me to IRR. Go back home, back to various jobs and an even worse depression than before. March 1987 Multiple times a week i pray to God for a war. Something that'll let me show my worth and let everyone know that a truly dedicated warrior is amongst them. Finally we have the Gulf war. I anxiously call the Records center in St Louis and they report that i have orders! Stay home and keep by the phone because according to a female SGT-"Your'e going to see things up close and personal". Am crushed when nothing pans out. Move again and get attached to an ACAV unit. Things should look up now. The NCOs can't wait to get me to BNOCS and the Officers are plotting out study courses so i can go to OCS as by now personal research has made me rather formidably knowledgeable about armored operations. On certain field exercises i can point out Platoon and Troop deployment and engagement errors during debriefs with ease enough that i'm the only jr enlisted man who can seriously discuss tactics with the unit Leaders and XOs. The bananna peel awaits... Ready to go back to Armor school, wait i'm 5 pounds overweight? No/Go come back in twelve weeks IIRC and try again. At home go through the most torturus workout i've ever done in my life. Remember playing non stop basketball games in the dead of summer until i virtually have to be carried home. Go back to physical and they literally have their jaws wide open at my weight loss, i actually have a whole battery of seperate tests to see how much damage i did to my health. Took off 27 pounds! Finally i'm off to school? Nope. Sgt at my unit forgot he had to pick me up and take me to MEPS! So finally i get new orders...Bulls**t! I'm going to have to go back to FT Knox in the dead of winter? F**k that s**t and F**K everything and everyone! Life's been downhill since. Bit of advice for the youngsters here...No matter how desperatly you want to be something, always have alternate plans in case the first doesn't work out. Also, don't wrap your whole identity and sense of being into something that can kill you if things don't turn out as hoped.

Do what you gotta do!

Thanks all, The one thing that really ticks me off to no end is that for a long time back in in the old neighborhood i had quite a knack for dealing with the various problems of a lot of the guys i knew. Yet, not a single one was able to help me with mine. Family was equally worthless. Here's a nice page that i found with some damn good info. I've done a ton of study about alcoholism but this was a page i've never seen before. http://hamsnetwork.org/taper/ I'm going to try this as well as going to some of the alcohol treatment centers around here this week to come. Let's see what they have to say.

Here's a current sitrep. Just finished up a month of kitchen work at one of the Strip hotels. For a while there it looked like some of us were going to be extended or possibly hired, but no joy. Anyways, it was nice while it lasted and it allowed me the relative comfort and welcome solitude of staying in a motel. I also picked up a cheap used laptop so as to be able to go online at the public library. Back to the union hall tommorrow and see what comes up. With NASCAR coming soon temp work should'nt be difficult to find. The spring hiring season isn't too far away and so that should mean work until after Labor day at the very least. I also found out exactly where i'm going to move to when i get a steady job. As for now, i'll be at the motel for another week and a half then back to skid row to save money. That is of course if nothing turns up at the union. Knowing how thing go around here, it's just a matter of time until i'm in another hotel kitchen. Until then it's making sure my union dues are up to date, getting the appropriate permits to increase one's job base, killing time, staying out of trouble and staying healthy Skid row shelters are notoriously disease ridden in the winter and i picked up a rather nasty and painful sinus infection just before i was able to escape. Oh well, life goes on.

Actually, i'm in the best job market in the US for kitchen and hotel workers. Not only are the 10 largest hotels in the country on the same street, they are walking distance from each other. You just have to time it right in getting hired as the slow periods(Relatively speaking are post Labor day until early November and post NewYears until about the time the college students begin graduating. Just doing summer work in a hotel is sufficient to pay the rent where i'm at for a whole year. Just have to wait and see at the union hall.

Try the WOV Gold Mod for something that'll make your jaw drop!

What depressing news. His books really helped a lot in WOV and his posts online were something special to read. http://yarchive.net/mil/cobra_maneuver.html

Lost another job. Had a severe and near close to extremely violent meltdown and knew what was coming so just began packing. Met with boss and HR type a while ago, went through what happened, Everyone came to same conclusion. Relocating again. Homeless again. Been there done that many times. Will be 45 years old in a few weeks. Pretty much have run out of options. Marshalling will and resources for what may be final offensive. Conquer Or Perish!

Finally got something going. Some hotel needed 60 +temporary kitchen workers and so i was one of the dispatched at the union hall. The first two weeks will be tough as it's a five mile walk, work, then 5 miles back to skid row. At the moment i don't know what shift i got as they haven't called with the details yet. I hope to hell it's day shift because if its the other two i'm in serious trouble as there is no real place to sleep that i know of. Anyway's it's probaly a month max and back to the union hall. At least Nascar is coming up in March so that out to be at least three days worth of work. Oh yeah, nothing panned out at the job fair as it was geared primarily towards seasonal workers.

Any female who wants the right to get her ass blown away just like the men should not be denied the privilege

:f***:

The moment of truth is Monday. One of the two companies that dominate the hotel/casino scene here is having a job fair as they are getting ready for the vacation season much earlier than usual. Tommorrow i'll have my best fake sheet ready (As my applications can best be described as creative writing) and it's off to my storage unit very early Monday to change into my interview clothes (NEVER wear anything even semi valuable when you're homeless). It is beyond any doubt a make or break occasion.

Figured i'd update a bit on the recent news... Totally screwed things up back in late 2012. Tried doing things that were proven in the past but things have changed radically at the bottom levels so finding something even low paying and semi solid in terms of hours is rather difficult now due to the profusion of chain-temp agencies. Blew a chance to get work with the Teamsters due to lack of tools and so a $14 and hour gig went to hell. Eventually was so broke that it took some time to get the needed things together and make it back into the Culinary Union, of which i've been an off and on member since the mid 80s. Anyway's by the time i got things straightened out i was able to get one (1) day of work breaking down a banquet at a Strip hotel on New Years day and that's been it. Basically it's the dead time of the year so one can try for convention work but that's pretty much it until April or May when things pick up for the vacation season. Oh yeah, the bastards at the hotel screwed up the payroll so i haven't been paid yet. I think i'll call one or two more times before i threaten to shoot someone. Basically life revolves around the homeless shelters. Get up at 5:30AM. Kill time till 6:30 when we have to go out. Go to another shelter that opens up at 7AM. Kill time until 9:15 or so and head out to the library. Kill time reading, thinking, and planning until 5PM. Head back down to the shelter. Wait till your age group is called. Lineup and go inside to get a bed. Read, think and plan. Shower. Read, think and plan. Lights out at 10PM. sleep. Wake up at 5:30am and repeat the cycle. If my clothes are clean and acceptable i'll do things different and go to the union hall fo the morning roll call and if nothing pans out (which is the norm this time of the year) head to the library. Occasinally some job lead might seem good enough to check out and so it's time to undertake walks that usually end up at around 10-15 miles round trip from the skid row area to where ever the lead is at. Since i've been going to the shelter (Early DEC) i've dealt with lice on three different occasions. The shelter has no standards as to personal hygine so it's only a matter of time until you get a dose since you sleep in a different bed every night and the blankets are only washed once a week. I make it a habit to check my clothes every night at shower time and dread even having an itch since you never know. I've also had the flu already as no matter what, you'll go through about 4-5 upper resp infections before the winter is over. At least one has plenty of time to think about things and plenty of reading time to study. It's sorta like prison except being locked up is generally considered a better deal around here. There are some guys who purposly get themselves arrested so as not to spend the worst of the winter outside. Believe me, i've been rather tempted a few times to just beat the crap out of some @%$^head just bad enough to get 90 days. At least then i'll have a secure place to work things out in. So basically all i can do now is wait until April/May at the union hall. What it comes down to is that if i don't land at job there by mid June at the latest, Life, for all intents and purposes, is over.

INTERCEPT and RECON should pretty much do it. The recce missions make for some nice high altitude patrols where you can hunt using your radar and then zoom down from the heights to catch an unaware foe.

That the 102 is underpowered compared to any MIG is a given. The trick is to climb flying the best profile possible to get up to altitude while maintaining as much top end while heading towards the front lines. Intercepts are the best thing going as one can actually use the Falcon in it's intended role as a bomber killer and not a dogfighter but AI aircraft should be able to score on distant beam shots if you can drag enemy fighters on a straight and level course. You also have to be very aware of what is going on and how the mission is proceeding. Sometimes it's best to run for it as soon as you've acheived the mission requirements.

Success in A2A with the Deuce can be done but it's a bit tricky. Basically the SARH missles are the way to go as the heatseekers can be rather problematical. Also try to engage at the highest possible altitude whenever possible. really, if you can drag opponents up to say, 35-40,000ft you the aircraft has a much better chance then down below. Also, if in a tight situation the 102 can outrun Mig 17s and 19s with relative ease at high altitudes.

Have a usual sleeping spot now. It's a rather nice spot but a bit noisy at times as it's about 20 yards from the rails and we get lots of freight trains at night. It get's a bit chilly very early in the morning too so i hope to get inside sometime before mid november as it'll really be cold at night then and i don't have much in the way of cold weather gear. Anyways, i have decided on a final attempt to rise above. If things aren't going well by June i'll begin preparing for the end. I refuse see myself at this level anymore and will not tolerate being older and going nowhere. Conquer Or Perish.

I swear, i can't stand these bitches too much more these days. http://cratesandribbons.com/2012/09/30/the-kissing-sailor-or-the-selective-blindness-of-rape-culture-vj-day-times-square/