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thought we needed to be fair and include ralphie boy...

Ralph Nader Rallies Dead Voters

Written by KDAnteater

Ralph Nader is dead in the water, and looks to capitalize from it.

Ralph Nader, an independent candidate for the American presidency, has been falling in the polls for weeks. Even his biggest supporters are turning the other cheek in favor of a lesser of two evils. He is now desperately resorting to lecturing rocks and pigeons to vote for him.

 

Ralph Nader has run out of options, and because of this, has called upon the dead for assistance. Nader has a huge dead base because they can relate to his speaking ability and stage presence.

 

The Independent candidate hopes to vanquish the law that prohibits the dead from voting before this coming Novemeber election occurs.

 

“I call upon the dead to vote for me,” said Ralph Nader at the un-televised Nader National Convention in Harmony, California. For those who do not know, Harmony has a population of eighteen people, and was vacant when Ralph rolled into town to speak. "All the attendents came to see Peter Camejo, which is kinda sad," said former vice-presidential candidate Winona LaDuke.

 

Not only Independents and Greens are trying to secure dead-votes, however.

 

The Republicans say that they are using dead politicians to spread their message of "hope" to America. Strom Thurmond and Ronald Reagan’s deaths gave the Republican Party a boost when it came to dead voters. However, once people are dead, they usually do not vote for far-right Republicans, after realizing what hell is really like.

 

“We are expecting a huge dead-voter turnout in Florida and Texas,” said the president. “Dead people voted during the 2000 election, but nobody seemed to notice." Bush went on to say, “The dead have a huge political influence. Why do you think my Attorney General lost to a dead guy?”

 

Bill Clinton attempted to die to gain Democrats some dead-votes, but the dead were only disappointed by the ex-president’s efforts. “If he really cared for us, he would have kicked the bucket,” said one corpse.

 

John Kerry says that he will give the dead rights that they never possessed before, including affordable health care, cleaner air and jobs. George Bush is counting on the dead’s concern for the “War on Terror(ism),” to gain critical votes. Ralph Nader is just hoping that the dead are brainless enough to vote for him.

 

“These political issues do not concern us much,” said one dead voter,” we just want to feast upon the flesh of the living.” She then took a bite out of my microphone holding hand. “And Gene Falco is our candidate of choice.” Of course, most dead voters are not casting their ballots for Falco: the woman we spoke to is a very right-wing corpse who believes that welfare, as well as everything else, is a sin against God.

 

Most dead voters would vote for Ralph Nader if they had rights, and resticting them from voting is what Ralph Nader calls, "the worst kind of discrimination imaginable."

 

“I am voting for Nader if I get the chance,” said one dead person, “he promises to give us greener grass over our burial plots. He is the only candidate who promises this, and the only candidate for us.”