Three

[Skyviper 1,101]

 HER DIARY
  Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued
to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise,
he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still
felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

The lawnmower wouldn't start today, can't figure out why,
but at least I got laid.

 

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Man I will Cut you man that sh** ain't no joke ... gas high as a mothaf***a!

 

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Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convinces her husband to see a marriage counselor with her.

The counselor first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentence, she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidently replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

 

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.  

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.  
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'  

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.' 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Skyviper 1,101]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
 
Dear Mrs.Samsel:

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. 

We cannot tolerate this behavior and  have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented
 by our video surveillance cameras.
 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts

    when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3  in Housewares..

Get on it right away!  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a

reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing 

management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on  layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd 

invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
 which twenty children obliged.

 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the 
 antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position 
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
And last, but not least:
 
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,  then yelled very loudly, 
 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 One of the clerks passed out.