An open letter to Brigadier General HM Trenchard

[Canvas Wings 1]

An open letter to Brigadier General HM Trenchard

 

cc King George V

 

 

 

Dear Sir.

 

 

 

I feel it is my patriotic duty to info of a disreputable and thoroughly revolting practice on the part of the RFC squadron commanders in the field.

 

I have had the honour to serve King and Country for several weeks in a number of front line units. Recently, I began to be aware that my flight mates always return from our missions.

 

At first I attributed this singular fact to their superior skills and experience…or that perhaps the chaps simply buggered off when things got to hot. I began to watch them closely for any dereliction of duty.

 

I must say, they did not run. Stout fellows, all; stiff upper lips types, even if that made them talk funny in the mess. Very self-effacing lads too; not once did they put in a claim like the others in the squadron, even though I personally witnessed them make a kill. However, I was sure I saw a few of them shot down at distance, only to find out later that it must have been some other bloke; because there they were, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, ready for our next sortie.

 

Then “Snuffy” Sykes got the chop. We were in a scrap at about 4,000 meters, when he took a burst in the fuel tank and exploded in a ball of flames no more a hundred feet in front of me. Back in the mess we toasted the poor blighter, rifled his kit for cigarettes and such, and sang his favourite song, -(the one about the Liverpool tart). The next morning on the flight stand there was Snuffy sitting in his Camel, cool as a Piccadilly pork pie. Seeing him sitting there was quite a start, let me tell you. Gave me the proper willies.

 

I subsequently became quite leery of my flight mates, from one squadron to the next. It was always the same. I’d see them go down in flames, take a brace of flak up the arse, or spin smartly into the ground. Next mission they were back in their machines, ready to fly. The only obvious conclusion is this- the RFC is using zombies to fill out their thinning ranks. Really. It’s like I’m in the bleeding “Royal Flying Corpse.

 

Now the flying undead might seem an outrageous claim, but on. June 21/17, my flight leader was one Douglas Denton. Loud chap with funny teeth. Never liked him much anyway; smoked a horrible smelling pipe, and never verified any of my claims. So once we took off, I fell in on his tail and gave him a good long burst with the Vickers. And one more for the pipe. He flamed quite nicely, rolled over, and blew up on impact.

 

The rest of the flight seemed unconcerned with this unexpected deviation from the mission orders. I gather the undead aren’t really all that bright. They kept circling the field like a bunch of bloody-mined geese, while I landed. The CO was somewhat perturbed, though. He ranted on about courts-martial and murder charges rather a bit, I thought. But we still had a flight laid that afternoon, and even he had to concede a murder charge might be difficult to prove when he saw dead Dougie reving his engine on the flight line. Denton looked up with a silly grin and gave me a wave. Cheeky bastard. So as we took off, I shot him down again. He was back on the line the next morning.

 

Now I’m not one to give Jerry an even break, –but this sort of thing is hardly sporting, even for a war. I mean, mustard gas and all that is one thing; but this is completely unconscionable. It’s creepy really- and terrible for morale. Other fellows in the squadron are giving their best, and frankly, dying in great noisy droves. It creates a lot snide remarks no small degree of hostility when men in my flight are killed and don’t have the common decency to lie down and be dead. The rest of the men won’t eat at my table and I keep finding nasty small dead birds in my flying boots or my cot. It’s quite distressing.

 

In summary, I think it mandatory that an investigation be launched with the view of putting an end to this grisly practice at once. The zombies I mean, not the dead bird thing.

 

 

 

PS:

 

I have it on good authority that the German Air Corps is using the same ghastly tactic. Perhaps representatives from our side could meet those from their side in some neutral place, say Geneva, and draft up some sort of rules of combat to keep things on gentlemanly grounds.

 

 

 

Sincerely

 

Cpt. Reginald Smythe-Wolsley

[catch 81]

LOL very good Canvas Wings . I know that song about the Liverpool tart ! It's a beauty You forgot to mention that one's wingies also always seem to go on leave (to Liverpool no doubt) when there's a big push on. Funny that !

[Hasse Wind 46]

Thanks for posting this, really made me smile (can't laugh out loud, would sound suspicious 'cause I'm at work!). Hilarious!