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Texas Chili Cookoff

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A member of my gaming group posted this on our forum, what a hoot...


A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this

whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. **Note:

Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first

two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those

of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The

notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


The scorecards from the event: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.

These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what


supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted


give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they


the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels


I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me


beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from


of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable


taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an



Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a srong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by


beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips


It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop


Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips


I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s**t to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed


I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through


4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too


but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,


out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot chili. :blink:

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