British humor

[Guest British_eh]

Subject: [Humor] British life

 

True Reports from British life as reported in British Newspapers !!!!!

 

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather

high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged

for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami

in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was

rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

(The Times)

 

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945 and she

recalled that he'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the

crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they

spelt out "Heil Hitler".

 

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND

 

Actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their

passengers...

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I

know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

 

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let

you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

 

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our> destination.'

 

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

wall.....'.'

 

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ..... As you can see,

Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually

told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about

things like that'.

 

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to

a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

 

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

 

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then,

stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going

home....'

 

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please

hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

 

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your

bags into the doors.'

 

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

 

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?'

 

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed

on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,

it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

 

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move

ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal

message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of

the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf

clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up

your **** sideways!'

 

Cheers,

 

British_eh

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

Ah yes...well, I know it's blowing one's own trumpet a little bit...but, one of the great things about Britain, is our sense of Humour.

 

You need one when you're THAT close to France!!

[Spinners 15,986]

Chortle!

(Copyright: The Beano)

[Slartibartfast 153]

England the place where the darkest humour arrives from...

 

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

 

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He

enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've

made" said God.

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call

it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down

to different parts of the Earth,

 

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth

while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be

a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a

continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

 

God continued, pointing to the different countries "This one will be

extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in

ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of

land and asked, "What's that?"

 

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on

earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the

North West alone and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's

finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent

and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be

extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known

throughout the world as speakers of truth."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about

balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

 

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of idiots I'm

putting down South!"

[themightysrc 5]

Arf!

[RAF_Louvert 101]

.

 

[Dej 17]

Well, it's true that the English are a thoroughly even-handed and fair-minded bunch. For example, every nation they've fought alongside of they've also fought against... can't get fairer than that, can you?

 

'Bout time somebody ressurrected the 'If WW1 were a pub brawl...' post. That was so very apt.