Bullwinkle's Weekend Safety Brief for 14-17 Feb 14

[+Dave 2,322]

 

Bring it in. Take a knee.

 

Meach, Iron Mikes – go.

 

This is Valentine’s Day. Don’t fall victim to the manipulative wiles of the Clarksville Trailer Manatee. She will rub up against you, whisper in your ear about the abuse she hopes her undercarriage will take tonight, and finish your drink when you’re not looking. Her magnificent tramp-stamp of Jesus at the last supper is not a reliable indicator of her marriage worthiness, yet still one of you clots is going to propose marriage tonight. When this happens, I offer the following advice (in order):

 

1. Drop that sparkly, high-quality cubic zirconium in her drink. Don’t worry; she’ll fish it out, even with those sausage fingers.
2. Be ready to leave quickly; she may choke on that fist-sized chunk of ham in her mouth, and you don’t want to be around for that.
3. Introduce her to Jody; he’s going to spend a lot more time with her than you are.

This is not a night to offer up rash promises of undying devotion and affection. In the next two years, she will bear you three children, and none will be related to you. You are her meal ticket, her ATM. As such you will be welcome in the double-wide you will spend the next 20 years paying off until she finds a better meal ticket. Think of this as you sit across from her tonight, watching her meat sweat glisten in the soft light.

Meach, slowly, go all the way to the ground.

If you are already married, this is an excellent opportunity to fix that. Take her shopping for celebratory cleaning supplies, or new toilet-scrubbing gloves. Or maybe you could try inviting another woman to have dinner with you tonight, “as a family”. Use your imagination. If you do it right, she’ll leave you tonight, freeing you up to get in more range time, more quality time with your motorcycle, more college chicks. It’s a good idea. Your career and the American taxpayer will both thank you.

The Five Ds:

1. Don’t do dudes.
2. Don’t do dudes’ wives.
3. Don’t do drugs.
4. Don’t drink and drive.
5. Don’t beat your wife.

 

Meach, recover.

 

Drink water.

 

Now, get the hell out of my AO!

 

-Bullwinkle

[Nesher 628]

hahaha hilarious!

I want to see any man taking his wife shopping for cleaning supplies :P