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UK_Widowmaker

My wife said "You couldn't skin a cat!"

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But at least I tried!!

Hey! You're halfway there. You can do the rest tomorrow.

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Hello UKW,

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO SKIN CATS !! :angry2:

(lol)

But really isn't that a "sun" cat from California ? And b.t.w. there's certainly ONLY lozenge ... :rofl:

 

Greetings,

Catfish

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Yeah Hauksbee... what you reckon?... Lozenge?...or RFC green?

 

 

:rofl: I don't care who you are...that's down right funny....lozenge....I'll pitch in 4 bits to see that show!

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I want to see your injuries as proof, I have vivid and painfull recollections of trying to give a much loved and placid domestic cat a pill, you only make that mistake once - that the cat will remain placid and not injure you.

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I want to see your injuries as proof, I have vivid and painfull recollections of trying to give a much loved and placid domestic cat a pill, you only make that mistake once - that the cat will remain placid and not injure you.

 

Phew!..You're not kidding!.....Our vet get's quite worried when our moggie Silvester pops along to see him!...It's attimes like that, you realise that vet's REALLY earn their money! :yes:

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How to Give a Cat & a Dog a Pill:

 

The Cat:

 

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

swallow.

 

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloody Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12) Call fire department to retrieve the stupid cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 

 

13) Tie the little ba***rd's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down

throat to wash pill down.

 

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet

shop to see if they have any hamsters......

 

 

 

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

 

1) Wrap it in bacon. :ok:

 

Enjoy

Tony

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cat.gif How to Bath the Cat

 

  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.
  6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
  8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

 

PS: Obviously, please do not bathe your cat using these methods. They are intended to be humourous for anyone who has ever tried to bathe a cat and found them uncooperative.

Edited by rabu

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How to Give A Dog A Pill:

 

1) Wrap it in bacon. :ok:

 

Enjoy

Tony

 

A comedian I like told a story about giving dogs pills, I dont remember exactly how it went but it was something like this:

 

"My old dog has arthritis so I took him to the vets and they said to give him some pills. So I tried giving him the pills, he wasnt gonna eat it right out my hand, so I made a ball of hamburger and put stuffed the pill inside. He wolfed the hamburger right down, but five seconds later the pill flew right out! We went through this a couple of times and that pill kept a flyin right out. I called my vet to see what they said I should do. The vet said, "Well, your gonna have to give him a suppository."

 

 

 

You ever try to get a ball of hamburger in a dog's a**?"

 

-Rooster

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Last time I washed a cat, I wore heavy leather welding gloves, that came up to my elbow. I was then able to merely hold on to it's collar and hose it down. IT whirled, twisted and clawed, all to no avail and no harm to me. It sure was fun....oh btw, I don't like cats.

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:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: This is the most funny tread ever on CA.

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