OT - Actual Control Tower Exchanges

[Check Six 2]

MORE ACTUAL EXCHANGES BETWEEN PILOTS AND CONTROL TOWERS

Tower: "EASTERN 702, CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF, CONTACT DEPARTURE ON

FREQUENCY 124.7"

Eastern 702:"TOWER, EASTERN 702 SWITCHING TO DEPARTURE. BY THE WAY,

AFTER WE LIFTED OFF WE SAW SOME KIND OF DEAD ANIMAL ON THE FAR END

OF THE RUNWAY."

Tower: "CONTINENTAL 635, CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF BEHIND EASTERN 702,

CONTACT DEPARTURE ON FREQUENCY 124.7. DID YOU COPY THAT REPORT

FROM EASTERN 702?"

Continental 635: "CONTINENTAL 635, CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF, ROGER; AND YES,

WE COPIED EASTERN... WE'VE ALREADY NOTIFIED OUR CATERERS."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway

while a DC-8 landed... The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the

Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"WHAT A CUTE LITTLE PLANE. DID YOU MAKE IT ALL BY YOURSELF?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I MADE IT OUT OF DC-8 PARTS. ANOTHER LANDING LIKE YOURS AND I'LL

HAVE ENOUGH PARTS FOR ANOTHER ONE."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short‐tempered lot. They not only expect

one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground

control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

26

Speedbird 206: " FRANKFURT, SPEEDBIRD 206! CLEAR OF ACTIVE RUNWAY."

Ground: "SPEEDBIRD 206. TAXI TO GATE ALPHA ONE-SEVEN."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "SPEEDBIRD, DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING?"

Speedbird 206: "STAND BY, GROUND, I'M LOOKING UP OUR GATE LOCATION

NOW."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "SPEEDBIRD 206, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN

TO FRANKFURT BEFORE?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "YES, TWICE IN 1944, BUT IT WAS DARK, -- AND I DIDN'T

LAND..."

While taxiing at London Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a

wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US AIR 2771, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU TO TURN RIGHT

ONTO CHARLIE TAXIWAY! YOU TURNED RIGHT ON DELTA! STOP RIGHT THERE.

I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN C AND D,

BUT GET IT RIGHT!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"GOD! NOW YOU'VE SCREWED EVERYTHING UP! IT'LL TAKE FOREVER TO SORT

THIS OUT! YOU STAY RIGHT THERE AND DON'T MOVE TILL I TELL YOU TO! YOU

CAN EXPECT PROGRESSIVE TAXI INSTRUCTIONS IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR,

AND I WANT YOU TO GO EXACTLY WHERE I TELL YOU, WHEN I TELL YOU, AND

HOW I TELL YOU! YOU GOT THAT, US AIR 2771?"

"YES, MA'AM," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal

bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her

current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running

high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "WASN'T I

MARRIED TO YOU ONCE?"

.

 

[GRUMPYBEAR 1]

This too funny.

BY the way, I think that last controller was my wife!!

[+GrinchWSLG 24]

Well, I've seen those a lot of times before, so I can't really vouch for their authenticity. But I can give you a couple right from the source.

 

We had a dead bird on the runway, the previous departure reported it. Northwest 1590 was coming up next so we let them know about it and that we'd have an Ops vehicle on the way out to take care of it. Northwest came back, "Thanks for the offer but we've already had lunch."

 

Yesterday I had a Southwest ready for push. He calls me, and in a thick Texan drawl says, "Ground, Southwest 284 here and I reckon we're ready to push."

Unable to resist I replied, "Southwest 284, ground, I reckon you can push back whenever you want."

Right after that the Skywest who'd already been pushing back calls up, "Ground, Skywest 812, I reckon we're ready to taxi."

[Bullethead 12]

Once upon a time, an F16 and a C5 were crossing paths on different taxiways. The F16 wasn't sure who had the right of way so asked ground control "What are the intentions of the C5?" The C5, listening in, raised it's nose and said, "I'm going to eat you!"

[Flyby PC 23]

It's not really a quote, but I had a mate once thinking of joining the Fleet Air Arm, and got a flying lesson to see if he could hack it. As luck would have it, his pilot was an ex FAA pilot, so his 20 min lesson turned into an hour.

 

The control column looked very familiar from lots of combat films, including the big red 'fire' button.

 

The pilot must have read his mind, shook his head saying "Thats not the guns, it's the intercom, and the Tower is sick of people calling in 'NA-GA-NA-GA-NA-GA-NA-GA'".

 

I suppose you had to be there, but it tickled me.

[Siggi 10]

Brilliant stuff.

[Baldric 42]

LOL, good thread- thanks!

[Hasse Wind 46]

It's dangerous to drink something while reading the posts in this thread.

[FastCargo 412]

A few that actually happened to me:

 

Doing the calculations for a DC-10-10 takeoff, we were going to have a stop margin of less than 500 feet. Translated, it means if we abort just before the minimum speed needed to get airborne with the loss of a single engine on takeoff (V1), that there will be less than 500 feet of runway remaining (for a DC-10, that translates to just over 3 ship lengths).

 

What that REALLY means is that you'll have a long takeoff roll...a very long takeoff roll. A "are you sure we're going to rotate before the end of the runway" takeoff roll.

 

Well, after our REALLY long takeoff roll, the controller says, quote, "FedEx XXXX very heavy, contact departure, we'll trim those trees for you next time..."

 

-----------------------------

 

While flying my T-38A way back in the day, we were descending into the Abilene area, when we have the following exchange with center:

 

Center: "Rambo 16, contact approach on-AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

 

A few pregnant pauses go by.

 

Center: "Disregard."

 

A few more pauses later.

 

Us: "Center, Rambo 16, say again, frequency...if able."

 

Center: "Rambo 16, contact approach on XXX.XX, our coffee is VERY hot..."

 

Us (chuckling): "XXX.XX for Rambo 16...y'all be careful!"

 

----------------------------

 

Finally, overhead this one coming out of Newark, a flood of us FedEx guys are coming from the Northeast corridor to Memphis.

 

Center: "FedEx XXXX, proceed present position to XXX."

 

FedEx XXXX: "Center, FedEx XXXX, we need an initial vector, no RNAV"

 

Center: "FedEx XXXX, understand you are unable RNAV...wait, yep, I see it right here."

 

A pause.

 

Center: "FedEx XXXX, let me get this straight, your trucks have GPS, but some of your planes don't?!?"

 

-------------------------------

 

FC

Edited October 28, 2009 by FastCargo

[Duce Lewis 3]

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Ha Ha Ha!

I'll have to remember that one next time I'm deadsticking down!