Olham 164 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) Every now and then, it strikes me, and I want to express the feelings about something that touched me, in a poem or the verses of a song. (Don't be afraid - it won't happen very often). Now it is always difficult to get it right in another language, but fortunately, there is a certain poetic freedom. But if you native English speaking guys see something, that is definitely wrong, don't hesitate to correct me. Those of you, who are familiar with the most well known aces, will surely know, who it is about. The Lone Wolf From the bright morning light Mirror of platinum Bathing my face in god Came he, to kill Firebird from the sun Took in a heartbeat's space my wingman, my dear friend Roaring past, gone Albatros burning red Putz raised his hand to head his last salute to us Already dead So hard to understand First he would take my friend Later he spared my life with chivalry 'Vieux Charles', where did you end Unknown your place of death No grave, no wreath nor song Lonesome and gone (Corrected with your help - thank you all!) Edited March 22, 2010 by Olham Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slartibartfast 153 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) A very good poem there Olham... and the Errors for us English speaking types are few but it is very understandable... Thanks for sharing If you want I will do a full translation of it from German to English... Edited March 20, 2010 by Slartibartfast Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hasse Wind 46 Posted March 20, 2010 I agree, a very good poem. Can't say much about the language though, not being a native speaker. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cptroyce 0 Posted March 20, 2010 Very nice Olham- Reads fine; just one or two word/spelling errors. Could you write it in German as well? I'm trying to teach myself German ( Rosetta Stone program..it's fantastic) and I'd like to see how it would read in German. Thanks, Royce Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) Thank you, guys. I don't have it in German yet; will give it a try. But English is so much shorter of silabels, and therefor easier to place more short words into a verse - like made for pop songs, I always say. Perhaps you can tell me the wrong bits, so I could correct them? But a German one will be sent tomorrow. Promised. Edited March 20, 2010 by Olham Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duce Lewis 3 Posted March 20, 2010 Excellent Poem Olham! Writing of a wingman's fireball is a unique angle Only typo I spotted was; I think you meant "wreath" near the end Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cptroyce 0 Posted March 20, 2010 Olham - >> 'Vieux Charles', were did you end<< "..where did you end?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 21, 2010 Thank you, guys - I corrected the words above now. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duce Lewis 3 Posted March 21, 2010 Thank you, guys - I corrected the words above now. Glad to help! It's a fine work Took another look at this line "Bathing my face in god" Did you mean "gold"? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 21, 2010 Nope - I mean "god". Since it is so impossible to give "god" a face or figure, I sometimes feel like facing god in looking into the sun - you just can't see the sun either, cause it's too bright; you must close your eyes - and then you may bathe your face in the sun - or in god, who is all creation. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herr Prop-Wasche 7 Posted March 21, 2010 You wrote that yourself? You are a man of many talents, Olham! When I first saw your post, I assumed you were translating another person's poem. Looking back, I see that it is your own work. Consider me impressed! More, please! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Creaghorn 10 Posted March 21, 2010 very well done, old chap Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 21, 2010 Thank you, Herr Prop-Wasche and Creaghorn - yes, every (very rare) now and then, I create some own music, or write a little poem / song text. It only works, when I feel that sudden urge, and then I must write it down quickly. After second and third looks a bit later, it gets the shape to be content with. Still far from great poetry, rather in a line with other soldier's / pilot's poems. But that's okay for me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dej 17 Posted March 21, 2010 Like it. Though Olham, 'Takes in an eyeblink's time' isn't idiomatic. I think an English version would more likely say 'Takes, in the blink of an eye,' And perhaps, in the fourth stanza second verse, 'Now' ought better to be 'Then', especially as the poem is 'looking back' at a moment in the past. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 21, 2010 Hmmm - the line "Takes, in the blink of an eye" doesn't work - would be one silabel too many. It needs to have only six. Otherwise, the rhythm would be wrong. Could I say "once" for that "now" too ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
catch 81 Posted March 22, 2010 I think it sounds pretty good in German. I couldn't get it to rhyme but .... Ich habe sie hatten es hier mit blutigen diese dumme Sache und ich werde es nicht mehr dauern unt können die Flöhe von tausend Kamelen befallen den Achseln !! But I digress .... Der einsame Wolf Von dem hellen Morgenlicht spiegal von Platin Baden mein Gesicht in Gott Kam er zu töten Firebird von der Sonne Nahm in der Zeit ein Herzschlag mein Flügelmann, mein lieber Freund Roaring Vergangenheit gegangen Albatros brennen rot Putz hob seine Hand auf den Kopf seinen letzten Gruß an uns Bereits tot So schwer zu verstehen Zuerst hat er würde mein Freund Später hat er mir das Leben gerettet Rittertum "Vieux Charles", wo hast du Ende Unbekannt Ihr Ort des Todes Kein Grab, kein Kranz noch Gesang Einsam und gegangen. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) Wellllllllll - ahemmmm - this may be the result, when you send it through an Asian translation software - not quite what I wanted to say. But if you did this from your school German lessons, I must say, you memorise quite a lot of vocabulary. Even though it is partly just used wrong. Especially in a poem, it seems quite tricky - who knows, how my poem is looking for you. Edited March 22, 2010 by Olham Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dej 17 Posted March 22, 2010 You know, the more often I read this the more I like it. The third stanza is a powerful image. The verse 'bathing my face in God' too, is evocative. It immediately makes me think of the last line of John Gillespie Magee's well-known poem 'High Flight'. All the same, I'm struggling to help with the second verse of the second stanza though, since 'Took in a heartbeat's time' still isn't idiomatic to me. You might like to consider '... in a heartbeat's space' instead. In English one could say 'in the space of a heartbeat', meaning a brief moment. Also, personally, I think '...spared my life. In chivalry.' might be better in the fourth stanza... and historically more accurate, too Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 22, 2010 Makes sense to me, and feels right - changed it; thank you, Dej. Forgive a German, when he doesn't know the poem you mention. Could you post it here, perhaps? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hasse Wind 46 Posted March 22, 2010 Translation programs have become more and more sophisticated over the past few years. Below is Olham's poem translated with the help of Google Translate (apologies to Olham and the German language). Der einsame Wolf Von dem hellen Morgenlicht Mirror von Platin Baden mein Gesicht in Gott Kam er zu töten Firebird von der Sonne Nahmen im Raum ein Heartbeat mein wingman, mein lieber Freund Roaring Vergangenheit gegangen Albatros Burning Red Putz hob seine Hand auf den Kopf seinen letzten Gruß an uns Bereits tot So schwer zu verstehen Zuerst hat er würde mein Freund Später wurde er verschont mein Leben Rittertum Vieux Charles, wo hast du das Ende Unbekannt Ihr Ort des Todes Kein Grab, kein Kranz noch Gesang Lonesome and gone As anybody who understands even a little bit of German can easily tell, the translation program didn't do a very good job. But it's still better than when I translated the poem from English into Finnish. The result made me laugh. A lot. But the most important thing is that I was actually able to understand the translation. It was more than a bit silly with some words and sentences, but the main ideas were there. Not a bad result for a brainless program, when you think about. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dej 17 Posted March 22, 2010 More than happy to air this one any time, it's arguably the most famous aviation poem in the English language... High Flight Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . . Up, up the long, delirious burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark, or ever eagle flew — And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. John Gillespie Magee Jr. Spitfire pilot, KIFA, 11th December 1941. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) It can get really funny with such programs. I once had got a PC game with such a funny translation. It said about the sound card in German: die gesunde Karte (the healthy card) "sound" has two meanings, but they picked the wrong one obviously Edited March 22, 2010 by Olham Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
catch 81 Posted March 22, 2010 Hmmmm .... doesn't come up too flash in Chinese and I think there's some dialect issues particularly in paragraph 5. Maybe it's the illudium generator or the vortex inhibitor ? Olham I do like your poem really. Just having a bit of fun with the useless translator thing. But I'm done now. 孤獨狼 從早晨明亮的光線 鉑金鏡 我的臉沐浴在神 來到他，要殺死 火鳥從太陽 參加了心跳的空間 我的僚機，我親愛的朋友 呼嘯而過，了 信天翁燃燒紅 朴子舉手頭 他最後向我們敬禮 已經死了 因此，很難理解 首先，他將我的朋友 後來，他不惜我的生命 與騎士 '舊查爾斯，你在哪裡結束 你的位置未知死亡 不嚴重，沒有花圈，也歌曲 寂寞的經歷 孤獨狼 從早晨明亮的光線 鉑金鏡 我的臉沐浴在神 來到他，要殺死 火鳥從太陽 參加了心跳的空間 我的僚機，我親愛的朋友 呼嘯而過，了 信天翁燃燒紅 朴子舉手頭 他最後向我們敬禮 已經死了 因此，很難理解 首先，他將我的朋友 後來，他不惜我的生命 與騎士 '舊查爾斯，你在哪裡結束 你的位置未知死亡 不嚴重，沒有花圈，也歌曲 寂寞的經歷 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Olham 164 Posted March 22, 2010 Well, it LOOKS great in Chinese - like something with a lot of meaning! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slartibartfast 153 Posted March 22, 2010 Well, it LOOKS great in Chinese - like something with a lot of meaning! Yours had plenty of meaning and if people keep throwing poetry around I might dable my hand in as well... You have been warned... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
