Bullethead 12 Posted October 14, 2009 My day job is making niche-market sims. As I'm sure the OBD guys can attest, folks in this business need another gig for at least beer money. Thus, for the last few months, I've been delivering packages for FedEx in my local area. Garmin doesn't know the roads here at all, but because I was a fireman here for many years, I know all the back roads. I've burned down at least 1 house on all of them. Pity FedEx doesn't pay extra for my expert knowledge.... Anyway, out here in the sticks, free-range dogs with mean dispositions are par for the course. Thus, I carry a wonderful cattle prod in my truck. It's the latest design, balanced and quick like a rapier and just as long. All the weight's in the pommel so you can easily take on a whole pack of pitbulls with it (a common occurance). And it'll draw a 1/2" arc when tested against the fender of my truck. So, when I notice the defenders of some backwoods homestead, I come out with the package under 1 arm and the prod in the other hand, and tell them we'll settle this right now. I'm putting this box on the porch, so the choice is whether or not I have to kick their asses first. This stare-down usually works. When it doesn't, it's zap-a-pooch. And I'm quite prepared to drop the package and draw my knife if it comes to it, but so far it hasn't. So today I'm way out in the boonies and this house was guarded not by a mean-ass dog but by a goose. You cityslickers may laugh, but a goose will kick your ass if you give it a chance. I saw the bastard coming from 50 yards away, all neck stretched out, head cocked up, wings flapping, and honking to beat Hell. So I grabbed the prod before I got out of the truck. Geese may be mean but they're pretty stupid. You can reason with even the most blood-thirsty dog, but not a goose. Once they decide it's on, it's friggin' ON. I met him in the driveway before I'd even had a chance to get the box out of the back of the truck. At 5 yards, I kicked a large wad of driveway gravel in its face, but it didn't slow down at all. So just as it was getting into its spring for my face, I tapped it at the base of the neck with the prod. I chose that area because the feathers are thinner there, and I know they're insulators. DAMN! That goose did a flip in the air and uttered a shrieking honk that will haunt my nightmares for years to come. And I got a good demonstration of where the expression "loose as a goose" comes from. If you've never been around geese, bear in mind that they're the avian version of cows, so are always dropping copious amounts of vile, runny guano. But when you give them a good shock, they REALLY cut loose, and when they're somersaulting in pain, they can innundate a sizeable area . Fortunately, the Dark Gods smiled on me, no doubt because it had been a really crappy day already, what with my original truck dying and having to go back to the big city to get a rental. Whatever the cause, all those 5 pounds or so of guano just missed me by a fraction of an inch. It was everywhere else, on the ground, on my truck, in the air, but not on me . The goose came to rest on its side, honking dreadfully, and started to get up and face me again. So I gave it another zap, which made slide through a thick pile of guano and lie there muttering fitfully. I got my package out of the truck, stepped around the ordure, and put the box on the porch 20 yards away. The numerous small dogs and cats that also lived there all ran and hid at my approach. On my way back to the truck, the goose had regained its feet and was still trying to posture and honk threateningly, but was pretty half-hearted about it, what with all the gasping for breath it was having to do. It backed away as I advanced. I gave it a last long, hard stare and gestured menacingly with the prod, and it backed up a few steps. So I got in my truck and drove off to the next stop. Geez, they don't pay me enough for this, but that was almost worth it. I look forward to going to that house again, to see if that goose remembers me Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
VonGuber 2 Posted October 14, 2009 Now that I've stopped laughing at that story........ It's good that you're prepared. We had a UPS drive in the local area killed by dogs a couple of years back. They got between him and the truck and wouldn't let him out. Be careful. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullethead 12 Posted October 14, 2009 It's good that you're prepared. We had a UPS drive in the local area killed by dogs a couple of years back. They got between him and the truck and wouldn't let him out. Be careful. The day a dog kills me is the day I deserve to die. There's a reason dogs work for us and not the other way around. As long as you know that reason and are prepared to enforce it, you'll win, although you may require plastic surgery. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Baldric 42 Posted October 14, 2009 lmao, great story BH. Wonder how many zaps you get on a charge/battery? Stick one of those 'bath-in-a-bag' packages in your glove compartment in case those sh-t splatters get ya Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
carrick58 23 Posted October 14, 2009 This is the 1st time that I have heard of FedX being Goosed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UK_Widowmaker 571 Posted October 14, 2009 That's what fascinates me about Cesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer) How he can just use energy to control vicious dogs! (seems that BH is exhibiting that energy too)...except Geese obviously don't respond to it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Check Six 2 Posted October 14, 2009 Abso-effin-lutely made my day. Excellent tale well told. Haven't laughed so hard since...hmm...a long time. Thanks bullethead. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullethead 12 Posted October 14, 2009 Wonder how many zaps you get on a charge/battery? Stick one of those 'bath-in-a-bag' packages in your glove compartment in case those sh-t splatters get ya Here's my weapon: http://www.nrsworld.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=10103!SUNWE Beautiful, ain't it? Very sword-like IMHO. And it really handles like a rapier, with perfect balance. Just twist your wrist and you cover a wide arc. Mine's got the longest shaft they make, so the whole thing is nearly 4 feet long. It runs on four C batteries. Each zap uses no more energy than turning on a 4x C flashlight for half a second or so, so the batteries last a long time. A cattle prod is just a transformer that steps the voltage WAY up (and of course the amps way down). The high voltage is what makes it painful, but the energy is so low that it's not damaging (within reason). However, this thing was designed to be moderately painful to very large, thick-skinned animals, so it's EXTREMELY painful to smaller things like people, dogs, and geese. You'll feel it for a long time afterwards. It'll stretch a snake out straight and stiff, either dead or in a coma, at least if you get it on the head. I don't know if it kills them, but it doesn't matter because I cut their heads off immediately afterwards. Anyway, tempting as it may be, I would have to advise against using this to control your children. And yes, I've got all sorts of stuff to clean myself up with. You can get all sorts of strange substances on you out here in the country. That's what fascinates me about Cesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer) How he can just use energy to control vicious dogs! (seems that BH is exhibiting that energy too)...except Geese obviously don't respond to it It's not "energy", it's body language. Put yourself in the right mindset and your body conforms to it, which the other critter can see. From what I understand of Cesar, he does dog body language and his goal is to establish a long-term master-slave relationship. I do human body language with the goal of getting the stop over with as quickly and easily as possible so I can get on with the next one. Dogs have been around us long enough to be bi-lingual this way. So I'm thinking, "I'll only be here a minute, I mean no harm, but I'll really enjoy kicking your ass if you want to fight." It's no trouble for me to get in this mindset because I'm that way all the time. Driving for FedEx only accentuates it . This usually works. Honestly, most dogs are pansies. The vast majority of the time, dogs bark half-heartedly but wag their tail, like "I don't know you so I'm barking, but I really don't want to fight so let's be friends." When I see this, I don't get out the prod. I just say "hi" to them as I walk by, let them sniff my fingers if they want to, and no problem. There are also quite a few dogs that take 1 look at me and slink off under the house with their tails between their legs. A few dogs are belligerent, though, especially if there are more than 1 of them. These are the ones I have to really stare down and I have the prod ready. You can tell by their posture and tone of voice that they might attack, but they haven't made up their minds yet. I just try to convince them that the best they can hope for is mutual destruction. While I enjoy zapping such dogs to teach them a lesson, I try to avoid it because the owner might be through a window and have a shotgun handy. After all, even meth cooks order stuff online . So most of the time, we have a tense standoff and go our separate ways. But the real wildcard is if the owner comes out of the house to meet me. The dogs usually take that as their pack leader coming out to join the party, so they'll often attack as soon as the door opens, especially if it's a woman. And the more she hollers at them to stop, the more aggressive they become. And once in a great while, I meet a really vicious, killer dog. Fortunately, these have so far always made their presence known as I pull up in the driveway; they usually try to jump in the window at me. I don't even get out of the truck when this happens, I just put the package in a plastic bag and toss it out the window, trying to zap the dog in the process. Then I try to run over it as I drive away . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hasse Wind 46 Posted October 14, 2009 Wow, that sounds like a dangerous profession! I've never heard of any postmen or couriers being killed by dogs here. Sometimes I've read about crazy, vicious dogs attacking people (especially children), but it doesn't happen very often and I rarely see any people bitten by dog(s) in the hospital I work in. What kind of idiots order packages and then make it as difficult and dangerous as possible for the couriers to deliver them? It's not very thoughtful to surround your house with killer beasts and expect people to come and visit you... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullethead 12 Posted October 14, 2009 PS . . . It's also good at knocking down WASP nests, full of dead wasps That's good stuff, for sure. I always have several cans around the house because we have lots of wasps, hornets, and yellowjackets around here. However, I'd really hesitate to use it as a weapon except on a mugger. This is a deadly weapon able to cause permanent blindness and suffocation due to swollen throat. If I hit a dog with that out here in the boonies, it it would no doubt die before the owner could get it to the vet, assuming the owner was even home at the time. So while there are no official rules of engagement, I'd think it would be a lot easier to explain to my boss, the owner, and the cops that I used non-lethal force up to the last second. Long ago when I was in high school, I had a job reading gas meters. This was in a city but it involved going into everybody's back yard where their dogs were. Back then, I carried a "Phasor". This was a big can of real, old-school mace, not today's relatively wimpy pepper spray, and it had the range of wasp spray. I think the reason they outlawed mace was because it had the same lethal effects as wasp spray. In any case, I killed a dog with it, and that was the end of my job. It's not very thoughtful to surround your house with killer beasts and expect people to come and visit you... Most folks live out in the country because they like their privacy and having a big, ugly dog around helps with that. And most killer dogs are just fine with their families so the owners often don't know just how dangerous they are, especially if they live way out in the sticks and get few visitors. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Launchbury 1 Posted October 14, 2009 Ah, Bullethead you old wacko you, I knew there was something about you that I felt akin to. I was also a FedEx driver for several years. I was a swing driver, I dunno if you have those at your station, but a swing driver in the city is misery. D: The only time I ever thought a dog would be the death of me was when I was walking up to a house with an open garage, and I was looking at the package and typing on my tracker. When I looked up there was a massive pit bull in the garage and it took me a bit by surprise and I hesitated, and the damn dog just comes charging out at me, teeth barred, all ready to give an oral exam to my most life-sustaining fleshy parts. I remember thinking "well f***, I'm going to die." And about 5 feet from me, the chain that was thankfully hooked to its collar ran out of slack and stopped the dog in its tracks. Then it was all barks and slobber and teeth gnashing, and the owner came out saying the usual bulls**t "oh he's nice, oh he's not going to hurt anyone, oh blah blah blah my little angel, etc." I told him his dog was going to kill me. Really actually kill me. He told me I was overreacting, and was kind of a dick. I told him I couldn't complete a delivery with such a dangerous dog so took the package back into the truck with me and drove off. People should be nice to their FedEx drivers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duce Lewis 3 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) I look forward to going to that house again, to see if that goose remembers me Oh, he will!!! When I was a youngster, my buddy & I played hooky from school one day Avid BB Gun Hunters, we wondered about taking pot shots at anything that moved Walking up a path we spotted a Red-Winged Blackbird Colony in a tree Pretty quickly we were firing away, followed very quickly by them going into attack mode and swarming us They won as we turned tail and ran swinging our guns above our heads For 2 years those birds remembered me and would swoop me everytime I passed They'd let my friends go by OK and would single me out Stay Safe, Edited October 15, 2009 by Duce Lewis Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
