OT England Expects!

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this ?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir ?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' -

What gobbledegook is this for God's sake ?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer

now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be

considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working

environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to

steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's

policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full

speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of

water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.

We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What ?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they

said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until

a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment

for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled ? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to

hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the

disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of

visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew

up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much

salt - haven't you seen the adverts ?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to

stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny !"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with

murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on

board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish ?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not ?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of

water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.

You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put

on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the

lash ?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu ! And there's a ban on corporal

punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.

[Slartibartfast 153]

I found that months ago and I still laugh out loud at it now... but its a poor thing that the UK has gone that way... bloomin Health and Safety... this is one I always used to laugh at and still do...

 

On the firing range must wear Ear Defenders to protect the ears according to Health and Safety...

 

War breaks out and the enemy are charging at you... What you supposed to say Hang on a minute chaps need to put my Ear Defenders on!!!

 

Bit like wearing a Kevlar camo vest and then having a bright yellow jacket over it so everyone can see you...

[ShrikeHawk 384]

Bravo! Bravo!

 

Positively hysterical! Nice job. How far we've come (fallen back).

[Bullethead 12]

Don't haul on the rope don't climb up the mast

If you see a sailing ship it might be your last

Just get your civvies ready for another run ashore

A sailor ain't a sailor ain't a sailor anymore

 

"The Last Shanty", by Tom Lewis (and IMHO best performed by Great Big Sea)

 

 

 

 

 

[Rickitycrate 10]

Damn good thing Lord Nelson lived when he did. Bless 'em. The U.S. is right behind you Widow, I'm afraid.

[Olham 164]

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny !"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with

murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on

board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

This is exactly what happens to the German soldiers in Afghanistan. Left alone even by their governement,

that still can't decide about a war being fought, and insist, it was a "police duties mission".

As "police", the boys are only allowed to fire a weapon, when they are already being shot at.

No preventive measures!

And when they shoot, they may have to face a trial. That is another form of the insanity of warfare.

[Bullethead 12]

This is exactly what happens to the German soldiers in Afghanistan. Left alone even by their governement,

that still can't decide about a war being fought, and insist, it was a "police duties mission".

As "police", the boys are only allowed to fire a weapon, when they are already being shot at.

No preventive measures!

And when they shoot, they may have to face a trial. That is another form of the insanity of warfare.

 

I was fortunate in my war to be on the front, not in a town. There were no journalists or other backseat drivers to be seen, so we just shot everybody who looked like he needed it. If it turned out we made a mistake, nobody mentioned it. And believe me, if some backstabbing SOB HAD come out to our position, he'd probably have gone MIA in the 1st firefight, as in fragged and put in a shallow, unmarked grave, and his disappearance blamed on the uncivilized barbarians we were fighting. THEY stick at nothing, as you well know. We didn't, either, but the enemy gave us plausible deniability. We rationalized this quite easily--after all, it's MUCH better to be in prison than on the firing line.

 

I'm sure the guys over there these days do things the same way.

[Stiffy 1]

Reminds me of when I worked for a wholesaler.

 

They had a new health and safety officer, was keen to introduce High Vis jackets as there were alot of forklifts about.... so they issued them, but only to the fork lift drivers.... the only people not at risk of being hit.

 

excellent idea, those bright yellow, loud, 10 ton fork lifts with the flashing lights were really hard to spot before they put a vest on the driver.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Stiffy

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

Yep..all part of living in a Nanny State.

[JimAttrill 24]

It's a bit OT, but on Sunday I went to a performance of Haydn's "Nelson Mass". I had never heard of it, and was expecting gunfire as in the 1812 overture. Apparently Nelson met Haydn in Vienna and gave him the watch he wore at the Battle of the Nile. I wonder where that is now?

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

It's a bit OT, but on Sunday I went to a performance of Haydn's "Nelson Mass". I had never heard of it, and was expecting gunfire as in the 1812 overture. Apparently Nelson met Haydn in Vienna and gave him the watch he wore at the Battle of the Nile. I wonder where that is now?

 

 

Cor yeah...I hope it's not lost!...That would be a real Gem.

 

Nelson was over-rated IMHO....The real Hero of the Battle of Trafalgar was Collingwood!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/northeast/series7/collingwood.shtml

 

A Geordie lad...way better than that Southern Faggot Nelson!

Edited November 17, 2009 by UK_Widowmaker

[themightysrc 5]

"There were no journalists or other backseat drivers to be seen, so we just shot everybody who looked like he needed it. If it turned out we made a mistake, nobody mentioned it."

 

Nice. I'm not sure you'd go a bundle on that particular modus operandi if it were foreign troops occupying American turf.

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

"There were no journalists or other backseat drivers to be seen, so we just shot everybody who looked like he needed it. If it turned out we made a mistake, nobody mentioned it."

 

Nice. I'm not sure you'd go a bundle on that particular modus operandi if it were foreign troops occupying American turf.

 

Such is the way of things.

 

There is nothing new under the sun

[RAF_Louvert 101]

.

 

 

 

OK, now THAT was funny WM. Thanks for sharing.

 

 

Cheers!

 

Lou

 

.

[Bullethead 12]

Nice. I'm not sure you'd go a bundle on that particular modus operandi if it were foreign troops occupying American turf.

 

If there were foreign troops on American soil, I'd be an insurgent, and would expect to be treated by them as I treated the raghead insurgents back in the day. If the invaders wussed out on that, I'd eventually kill them all.