+daddyairplanes 10,244 Posted January 19, 2011 my dad was an alcoholic and most of my teenage memories are of him passed out in the living room or dragging him to his bedroom. i started down the same path myself in highschool and up til around my 21st birthday. when i met my wife and we found out she was pregnant with our oldest i decided to quit drinkin as i didnt want my kids having the same sights growing up as i did. it is hard but once you know the problem you can work to get it under control. as proof i offer this: my dad finally sobered up and stayed there for the last 4 years of his life before caner took him in 06. he would visit me and my family often and would tell his dad not that he was coming to see me but that he was going to visit the girls! thats what i think helps us get through things, having a goal to work towards and doing what you have to to get there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GwynO 16 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Stary, even just writing this you've shown that not only you recognise there's a problem, several problems even, but you show you are willing and actively making steps to seek help.. despite the source of the quote, the saying is so true.. "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". If your experience of dependence on a substance is anything like mine, you'll be aware that it's not just one thing at the root.. to try to single out one moment, one isolated thing, somehow it isn't that simple, somehow it seems like a cancer.. although it can start in one cell, in reality, by the time a cancer is a problem you can forget that start point because it needs to tackle all those other parts it's creeped into, our relationships with other people, with our selves, with the world. For years I used to relate my depression to my parents messy divorce.. for sure it had a huge impact on me, but by the time I had to confront my illnesses and weaknesses, it really was about as much to do with my self confidence with girls, or my ideological youth clashing with the realities of what my young adult self didn't want to see or understand, the world wasn't as clear cut as I once thought. I've been down the depths myself Stary, I've suffered periodically from background depression that seemed "normal" for months at a time, to complete psychotic breakdowns, utter self loathing depression, utterly hopeless isolated depression... the alcohol I have drunk in excess, and to be fare, still even now use too often as a crutch when things start to scare me... the alcohol came as a secondary problem in a way, a symptom rather than the disease, and before I could bring my substance abuse under control, I had to tackle the other things... for example, I had to make my mistakes with girls, like it sounds you have too, but I had to find some piece of mind which it sounds you have yet to find Stary, and I only wish it comes to you as unexpectedly and magnificently as it came to me. My main substance of abuse over the years was heroin.. smoking it thank God as no matter what, I wasn't going to risk blood poisoning no matter how low I was... stupid in some ways because I have been at many times literally trying to end my life through gorging on vast quantities of heroin, tranquilizers, crack cocaine, amphetamines.. all washed down with copious amounts of alcohol. I don't look forward to old age because I know despite my luck, my organs bare as many scars as my mind. I shake, I find myself at times delirious or emotionally inexplicable. I feel guilty in some ways, that despite all my depravity, despite the horrible people I used to be part of (gangs to say the least), the horrible, unforgivable things I have done, I know i paid a heavy price. At my lowest I was raped in a darkened room for others entertainment and my punishment. I was forced to things I rather not think about to save the life that I was at times trying to end... ironic... just like when I had my neck on the railway track, waiting for the train... I would pull back moments before, and clutch for pittyful life in the gravel like an animal, at my darkest moments I had to be an animal too.. but something told me to survive... another voice punished me for living, for being a coward. In one way I feel sorry that I have come out from my darkness relatively unscathed, strong.. immensely strong if I'm truly honest with myself. I'm guilty I left myself get to that state, I messed up... I could have stopped years before.... but in another way I'm not guilty.... I shouldn't be guilty. I am here to tell you.... no matter what.... no matter what hell you find yourself in, what you find yourself to have done, there is always hope!!!!!!!! So long as there is another moment, another second, another minute, another hour, day, week or month.... Life is digital.... it really does come down to is the next moment going to get worse??? Or is it going to get better???? Sometimes, in all the darkness, all we see is things getting worse... but never be blind to the possibility of better.... You know yourself, it's clear from what you write, you know that you are capable of better, you have known better, you want better.... you can and WILL have better!!!!!!! Trust me on this!!!!! Even when you flip a coin, random chaos yields heads or tails, better, or worse.... but even a run of a thousand and one bad flips still leaves you the hope in that digital chance, better or worse... it could be the big change is round the corner, you just have to keep your hope, keep your life, keep your honesty, keep your ethic and will to find better, to work for it! I'm also guilty in a way, that my big change was in a person... although she might as well have been an Angel or an act of God..... for whatever reason, during one of the darkest chapters of my life, where I was once again trying deliberately to die through negligence, through taking ridiculous quantities of heroin with equally ridiculous quantities of alcohol.... for whatever reason, that angel peered into my life and showed me she cared enough not only to shed tears, but to stay... to give me a chance. Can you believe that I gave up heroin for her? From a promise made into her eyes, from that day on, nearly 4 years ago, I have never so much as touched heroin since?? How can I explain this?? I can't!! She is a miracle, and so is the Love I feel for her and from her. I feel guilty because who am I to deserve such a miracle, such a force for good in my life? Every day I wonder that question, but every day, I try in some way to move forward, to try to do some good even if it is as simple as sharing with others my story, hoping somehow I can let you know that sometimes, a miracle can be around the corner when you don't expect, and when you don't want even! I tried hard not to let her in actually! The point is, life can throw you a curve ball with massive repercussions... negative like a family breakdown, or positive like a stranger who gives a f***.... but in each case, it is so much more than the individual ball.... like my Girl has stressed to me from day one, my recovery is in no way dependant on her, as amazing as her being there is to me, or whatever miracle curve ball comes your way Stary, as I pray it will come for you too! We have to look beyond the individual parts of our life stories, of our problems and our solutions, and realise the problems and the solutions are much like drops of ink dropped into a glass of water... the problem permeates throughout and colours our entire lives, and so must our recovery!!! Take the inspiration that Good can come when you least expect it, that things can and do get better.... but also know we have to take the lead from the Good when it comes, and let our water be coloured once more, let our lives be permeated, transformed... To use one of my favourite quotes from a song and a film.... "we must be powerful, beautiful.... without regret!" Your time will come Stary! Hang on in there, and if you ever need me, you know where I am Edited January 20, 2011 by GwynO Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbolt 104 Posted January 20, 2011 You have such a 'beautiful' story Gwyn , proud for you ! and nice you can tell to other that you have kicked the bottom and came back to surface. actually all to you guys who have there and now are back, not even a message of help, but you can teach the yougers as me to avoid some things , like me , thank you all ! That's the principal message to you Stary, that's your life, you can change it ! and it seems you are doing right by admitting it , now just don't let this yell die and finish what you have to do to get back sober in life ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Stary 2,427 Posted January 20, 2011 Its kind of a coincidence you write this. Last week my depression got the best of me and I had to go do a walk in at the ole doc's office. I have had it since my mother killed herself in 2003. I was on meds for awhile, thought I was fine and struggled with it since. To deal with my depression over the years I had been drinking, and drinking alot. I finally had to stop last week as I went on kind of a bender last for the holidays. I feel your pain Stary. I really do. David, my Friend in the journey, You have Kids of Yours, your Wife Sheila, and thy likes... I'm no-stop guy. Relly into it. So no stop for m,e, no safe Haven... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Dave 2,322 Posted January 20, 2011 David, my Friend in the journey, You have Kids of Yours, your Wife Sheila, and thy likes... I'm no-stop guy. Relly into it. So no stop for m,e, no safe Haven... Youre not alone my friend, you're a phone call away. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mannie 21 Posted January 21, 2011 sadly Mannie, you know my story, too welll. Thats what friends are for, aint it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
