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GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle

of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign

of all England!

GUARD #1: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights

who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord

and master.

GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?


GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!


GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'

'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?

ARTHUR: We found them.

GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin

or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not

strangers to our land.

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple

question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound


ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master

that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow

needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European

swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court

at Camelot?!

GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...

GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

[clop clop]

GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?

GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!

GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

GUARD #2: Well, why not?

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MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!


Bring out your dead!

CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.

DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!


CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.

DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!

MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!

CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.


MORTICIAN: He isn't.

CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!

CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.

MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.

DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!

CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.

MORTICIAN: I can't take him...

DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!

CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...


CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't

be long.

MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine


CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?

MORTICIAN: Thursday.

DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.

CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there

something you can do?

DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.


CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.

MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.


[clop clop]

MORTICIAN: Who's that then?

CUSTOMER: I don't know.

MORTICIAN: Must be a king.


MORTICIAN: He hasn't got s**t all over him.

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Peasant 1: Who's that there?

Peasant 2: I don't know... Must be a king...

Peasant 1: Why?

Peasant 2: He hasn't got s**t all over him.


Arthur: I am your king!

Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!

Arthur: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well how'd you become king then?

[Angelic music plays...]

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite

held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine

providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your


Dennis interrupting: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin'

swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power

derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic



Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

because some watery tart threw a sword at you!


Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some

moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!


Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed! Violence inherent in the system!

Violence inherent in the system!




GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--

ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our


GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--

ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared

to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between

sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to

protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,

making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.

Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!

ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,

lie down.

[clap clap]

PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: They're doctors?!

ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.

GALAHAD: B-but--

ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor

Winston, practice your art.

PIGLET: Try to relax.

GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!

PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.

GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed!

GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!

PIGLET: There's no grail here.

GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.















DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

DINGO: Where are you going?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!

GALAHAD: What is it?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight

to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the

first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty

person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we

have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You

must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you

may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.

And me.

And me.

DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!

GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD: Oh, hello.





LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!

LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!

GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.

LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!


GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!

GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!

DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes, yes!

GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty

of them!

DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.

GIRLS: Yes, yes.


DINGO: Oh, s**t.


LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

GALAHAD: I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.

GALAHAD: Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!

GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.

GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!

LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.

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HAHAHAHAHA Lol I love that movie! I have it and watch Monty Pythons Flying Circus every chance I get with my dad! I was raised watching this movie and I think it's funnier than most of the modern "Comedies" out their!

Edited by Falcon161

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I have the entire series, the 4 special discs with live appearances, specials, and rarities, and all the movies except And Now For Something Completely Different. I also have a few CDs worth of their audio stuff which often was unique (never done on film/live) or done differently (weatherman lumberjack sketch, instead of the barber for instance).

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