Two Cows (a lesson in politics)

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

Political?..well, perhaps...but amusing and hopefully of no offence to anyone, so posted in the pub instead of Arena!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO COWS ……..

 

SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

 

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the

milk away...

 

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy

grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the

milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped

dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary

cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image

called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,

and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them

again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing

them.

 

CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full

employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the

real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION:

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have

none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the * out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

 

WELSH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few

beers to celebrate

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but

first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to

carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged

stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool

that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The

stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be

the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore

need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that

you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory

training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. You sell your milk to

the supermarket chain that pays you f**k all for it, and then they sell it to their

customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about

how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your

cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the

world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other

countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to

a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you

leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a

tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you

are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred

 

Read more: Two Cows (A lesson in politics) http://www.neforum2.co.uk/smf/humour-and-funny-jokes/two-cows-(a-lesson-in-politics)/#ixzz11N6YRoJz

Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

HONG KONG CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows. You get a fine for breeding cattle in a flat.

 

 

NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows, and almost no fodder. You indoctrinate both of them all day and night long, starve one of them and scarcely feed the other one, instructing her to keep a watch on the starved one. You soon suspect her to plan to betray you, and plan to purge her later.

 

 

ORWELL CORPORATION :

 

You have never had cows. Nobody has ever had cows. Cows have never existed.

[Derk 265]

For "ÜK" corporation read "Dutch".......

 

Hou doe,

 

Derk

[+daddyairplanes 10,248]

US Army Cooks view:

 

Cows? What cows? We were never hand reciepted for any cows.

Oh by the way we're havin steaks and milkshakes for lunch today. Make sure you sign the headcount a couple of times so our numbers justify gettin a couple more I mean a couple of cows.

 

(what's left unspoken is we Soldiers swiped the cows from the Navy or Air Force compounds)

[macelena 1,070]

SPANISH CORPORATION:

 

You have two cows, but you decide to make them build bungalows for the british farmers wich needed to migrate, and apart from the sun, the cheap prices and the public free healthcare, see cows simmilar to those he used to have, so you can make some money. Then your cows end up growing so fat they aren´t able to work anymore so you pay them an indemnization for being unemployed. The british farmer and you get to a bar to cry.

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

AFGHAN CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows. You beat them for not being bulls, prohibit them from going out of the cowshed (or if so, only hidden under a tarpaulin), throw stones to them if they dare to look at the nearest bull, and beat them again for being too traumatized to give milk.

 

 

IRANIAN CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows. You neglect their milk but patiently harvest all of their methane, and try to convince the methane brokers that it is for your own personal domestic use.

 

 

ISRAELI CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows. You take advantage of a dubious outdated 3000-year-old title deed to gather an extensive rich pasture out of former anecdotally or marginally inhabited lands (allegedly), and wonder why a large herd of skinny cows outside are looking aggressively at your legitime pasture and cattle.

 

(oops, turns a little political...)

[Gr.Viper 131]

I'd still live under Surrealism. At least it provides an artistic outlet.

[GwynO 16]

GREEK PUBLIC SECTOR

 

You have two cows, but neither of them can be milked because they aren't members of the Union responsible for that sector. This is because Union jobs are sold to the highest bidder but only amongst Union members and even though your two cows are 5000 times more likely to actually make some milk for a change, the farmers are scared of the other cow's Union. If any milk is actually produced at all, all the other Unions join in a mass protest, occupy the Acropolis for a week, paint it pink, leave a hell of a mess then go on a riot because of what the Government has done to beautiful Ancient Greece. The government then relents and lets the public sector just buy twice the national requirement of milk on a credit card to cover the milk that goes missing into a black hole. The public sector makes no money whatsoever from the milk it bought because of this, but at least Albanian and North African immigrants have plenty of virtually free, non taxed milk to drink. Your two cows get sold to Albanians who give them to the Italian Mafia to pay their debts off, the Mafia use it to buy a new boat to smuggle more Africans into your country. Meanwhile the Turkish ignore their kettle that boiled dry centuries ago in order to point and laugh, then they also buy more boats and lorries to smuggle yet more Africans, Middle Eastern, and South Asians into your country. The President has a nervous breakdown and asks for some help. You do not intend to cooperate until he clears up the mess you left at the Acropolis, pays you for the two illegal cows you got rid of, pays you for the milk you didn't produce, pays you with as much free milk as you or your family and a neighbour's cat can drink, for life, as well as money, free healthcare for the rest of your life and that of any unmarried daughters you may have who at the age of 37 after a Cathedral, an Arch Bishop, a Wedding ring, a husband and 5 children, still somehow appears as "unmarried" on the official records at the office ran by her Uncle's friend from the Union. You realise that you are 40 years old and so are all that work for you, you decide to forgive them all and suggest you all retire on your state pensions for the rest of your lives in protest that the pension is too little and should be increased. Finally, the President does something to try and fix it.. but your cows are still screwed. In fact, you're all screwed. But the weather's nice. Just a shame that most of the British tourists that attracts behave like Soviet conscripts in Berlin circa 1945.

Edited October 4, 2010 by GwynO

[+JonathanRL 974]

SWEDISH CORPORATION :

 

You have two cows. The Goverment takes one, and all parties in the Parlament promises you will be able to buy more cows, however its unclear how.

[TX3RN0BILL 3]

PORTUGUESE CORPORATION:

 

You buy two calfs. They're healthy and will produce alot of milk. Unfortunately, the cost of the equipment to milk the cows is so expensive you have to mortgage your house, for which you're still paying till the end of your life, just so you can buy the equipment. The equipment arrives and you milk the now cows, but then the next problem arrives - you want to sell the milk. Nobody buys the milk because it is available, imported, at a third of the price in the supermarket. When the banks threaten to evict you because you can't pay the mortgage, you and other cow farmers protest to the government that national produce isn't consumed internally, although national production of milk is near self-sufficient. The E.U. directives though prohibit self-consumption, rather wanting to pay for farmers to not produce milk so it can (forcibly) be acquired from Germany, France, and other E.U. countries. But the portuguese agricultural ministry takes too long to fill out the papers so when it finally moves a bit the compensation offer from the E.U. has already withdrawn. The bank evicts you from your house, the gypsies steal your cows and having too much pride to end your life a beggar, you throw yourself onto some railroad tracks, ending your misery - thus "your" cows outlive you. 

Edited October 7, 2010 by TX3RN0BILL