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Posted

Break in case of bad threads so......

 

Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.

Posted

Q: Whhhhhhat is the average velocity of a Swallow?

A: Well that depends, is it an European Swallow or an African Swallow?

Q: Huh? ohh bugger.. arghhh (Falls into a rather large hole)

Posted

I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

Posted

It's not pining, its passed on!

 

This parrot is no more!

 

It has ceased to be!

 

Its expired and gone to meet its maker!

 

This is a late parrot!

 

This is an ex-parrot!

Posted

What? Ridden on a horse?!

 

Yes!

 

You're using coconuts!

 

What?

 

You've got two empty coconut shells and you're bangin' 'em together!

 

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...

 

Where'd you get the coconuts?

 

We found them.

 

Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

 

What do you mean?

 

Well, this is a temperate zone!

 

The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!

 

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate!?

 

 

(Sorry, back from a recent viewing of Spamalot!)

Posted

Mr Barnard: What do you want?

Man: Well I was told outside that...

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings!

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, toffy-nosed, malodorous pervert!

Man: What? I came in here for an argument.

Mr Barnard: Oh, oh oh I'm sorry, this is "abuse'. You want Room 12-A just along the corridor.

Man: Oh sorry. Thank you very much, sorry, thank you.

[shuts the door]

Man: Stupid git.

Posted

Right, right, that's enough. This thread has become very silly. Off you go, then!

 

 

Hello!! Hello!!!

Yes? Who eez eet?

Whose castle is this?

This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard!

Go and tell your master that if he offers us food and shelter for the night that he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.

Well, I'll ask eem, but I don't sink he'll be very keen. He's already got one.

*I told them we've already got one!* *snicker*

He's already got one?!?!

Yes, eet's very nice.

What did he say?

He said they've already got one. Can we come up and see it?

No!

Why not?

You are stupid English types!

What are you then?

I'm French! Why else would I have this outrageous accent??

Posted

Is, uh,... Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Posted

Are you insinuating something?

 

Oh no, no, no, yes.

 

Well.....

 

You'er a man of the world squire, I mean, you've done it.

 

What exactly do you mean?

 

I mean you've, slept with a lady,

 

Yes?

 

What's it like?

Posted

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not-be.

But half a bee has got to be vis a vis it's entity.

Do you see?

But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,

When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?

 

G'day, Bruce!

Oh, Hello Bruce!

How are you Bruce?

A bit crook, Bruce.

Where's Bruce?

He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

That's a strange expression, Bruce.

Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Posted

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable.

 

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table.

 

David Hume could out-consume

Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, [some versions have 'Schopenhauer and Hegel']

 

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

 

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya

'Bout the raising of the wrist.

Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

 

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

 

Plato, they say, could stick it away--

Half a crate of whisky every day.

 

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.

Hobbes was fond of his dram,

 

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.

'I drink, therefore I am.'

 

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,

A lovely little thinker,

But a bugger when he's pissed.

Posted

Arthur: Old Woman!

 

Man: Man!

 

Arthur: Man, sorry.... What knight lives in that castle over there?

 

Man: I'm thirty-seven!

 

Arthur: What?

 

Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old--

 

Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"...

 

Man: Well you could say "Dennis"--

 

Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!

 

Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?!

 

Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind, you looked--

 

Man: Well I object to your...you automatically treat me like an inferior!

 

Arthur: Well I *am* king...

 

Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And 'ow'd you get that, eh?

By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma

which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

If there's ever going to be any progress,--

 

Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere! Oh! 'Ow'd'ja do?

 

Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose

castle is that?

 

Woman: King of the 'oo?

 

Arthur: King of the Britons.

 

Woman: 'Oo are the Britons?

 

Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king.

 

Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective.

 

Man: You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A

self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

 

Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again...

 

Man: That's what it's all about! If only people would--

 

Arthur: Please, *please*, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that castle?

 

Woman: No one lives there.

 

Arthur: Then who is your lord?

 

Woman: We don't have a lord!

 

Arthur: What??

 

Man: I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking

turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week--

 

Arthur: Yes...

 

Man: But all the decisions *of* that officer 'ave to be ratified at a

special bi-weekly meeting--

 

Arthur: Yes I see!

 

Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--

 

Arthur: Be quiet!

 

Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major--

 

Arthur: BE QUIET! I *order* you to be quiet!

 

Woman: "Order", eh, 'oo does 'e think 'e is?

 

Arthur: I am your king!

 

Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!

 

Arthur: You don't vote for kings!

 

Woman: Well 'ow'd you become king then?

 

(holy music up)

 

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake-- her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by

divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why

I am your king!

 

Man: Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords

is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power

derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical

aquatic ceremony!

 

Arthur: BE QUIET!

 

Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some

watery tart threw a sword at you!!

 

Arthur: Shut *UP*!

 

Man: I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some

moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

 

Arthur: Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!

 

Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

 

Arthur: SHUT UP!

 

Man: Come and see the violence inherent

in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!

 

Arthur: Bloody PEASANT!

 

Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's

what I'm all about! Did you see 'im repressing me? You saw it,

didn't you?!

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