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Corny Jokes Thread!

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Two cannibals were eating a clown, the first one turns to the second one and says, "Does this taste funny to you?

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman says, "is this some kind of a joke?"

Edited by bibbolicious

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A man walks into his psychologist office and says "Doc last night I dreamed I was a wig wam, then I dreamed I was a tee pee." The Doc says "Calm down, you're 2 tents."

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What do you get when you cross-breed a bulldog and a sh*tzu?

 

 

(I'll let you decide.)

Edited by bibbolicious

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Your mother is a midget stripper, she jumps outta cupcakes for loose change.

 

 

Female logic...

A blonde is in her front yard rowing furiously in a row boat. Just then a brunette walks by and shouts. "Hey you! It is simple women like you that give the rest of the female gender a bad name!" "We are already oppressed and objectified and now this!?" "If I could swim, I'd come out there and smack you around!"

 

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

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These are not really corny jokes, but I got a smile out of them. Hope you do.

cheers eccles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t..."

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

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Two peanuts walking down a road. One was assaulted.

 

Two fish are swimming in a tank , when one turns to the other and says "How the bloody hell do you drive one of these things?"

 

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

 

Q. What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a christian, and a dyslexic?

A. Someone who lies awake all night praying to dog.

Edited by Moorkey

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What do you call a Scotsman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other ? Bi-sexual.

 

Why do Scotsman wear kilts ? Cause sheep can hear zippers.

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A brunette walks on to an elevator with a blond. The blond turns and smiles and says "T*G*I*F. The brunette looks back at her confused,

The blond repeats "T*G*I*F.... Thank God it's Friday" The brunette grins and says "S*H*I*T" The blond looks confused and hurt and the brunette says

"Sorry Honey It's Thursday" :rofl:

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What is mass confusion? A group of blind lesbians in a fish market.

 

A blonde, redhead, and a brunet were at the doctor discussing their pregnancies. The brunet said "I'm having a boy because I was on top."

The redhead said "I know I''m having a girl because I was on bottom."

Just then the blonde blurred out, "Oh no I'm having puppies!"

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A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

 

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"

 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

 

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and threw them out the door."

 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

 

"I'm getting to that."

" Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my a#$."

 

"So, did you jump?"

 

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master was this great big black guy from Alabama. He stood about six-foot five, 250lbs of pure muscle, and was 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared!'

"He grabbed me, shook me up and said, 'boy you better jump!'

"No sir I said!"

''So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his junk out. I swear, that thing was about ten inches long and as thick as a baby arm! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your a#$' "

 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, a little, at first."

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There was a brief meeting of several Generals and an Admiral. The Air Force General said, "I think I have finally found a way to show you true guts. "Airman, come here!"

 

The airman trotted over and came to attention with a brisk, "Yes, sir?"

 

The Air force General said, "Airman, climb to the top of that flag pole".

 

"Yes, Sir", came the quick response and up the pole he went.

 

When the airman reached the top, the General told him to jump. The airman shouted, "Yes, Sir", and dropped to his death.

 

The General turned to his peers and said, "now that is guts."

 

The Army General did the same and the Admiral did too, with the same results as the Air Force poor airman. The Marine General told them they were all full of s**t and called a Marine Private over. "Private, climb that flag pole!"

 

"Sir, yes, Sir!" was the quick response and up the pole he went. The Marine General than told him to jump. The Marine Private then said "screw you sir!" and stayed in place.

 

The General than turned to his peers and said, "now that's guts"

Edited by ironroad

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The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

 

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

 

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

 

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

 

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

 

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

 

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

 

Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

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Why do F-15s have a rear cargo compartments?

 

So the pilot has enough room for his ego.

 

Have you heard about the new solar powered F-18s?

twice the range at 1/4 the cost, which means they now can carry weapons

 

 

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

 

The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

 

The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

 

The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

 

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

 

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

 

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

 

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

 

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

 

An F-18 pilot was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

 

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

 

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

 

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

Edited by ironroad

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Time for some little Johnny;

 

 

Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.

 

Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

 

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?"

 

Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don’t f*&k with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!"

 

 

 

Marine Recruiting Brochure

 

Are you addicted to rage o'hol?

Do you sleep on a bench press?

Was your high school GPA put down as N/A?

Do you have explosive rage and curse excessively?

Do you have a strange desire to kill everything in sight?

Have you found yourself in solitary confinement on occasion?

 

If you've answered yes to any of these questions the United States Marine Corps may be right for you.

 

 

Call 1-800-MARINES The few, the proud, the downright f@#king crazy.

THE MARINES

 

In tha Sh#t.

 

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is s**t."

 

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good s**t!"

 

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great s**t."

 

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this s**t!!"

 

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in a air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of s**t is this?"

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Last one for the day

 

The difference between screwed and f$5cked.

 

Screwed...

During a stormy pitch black night t you hear "wave off!" at the last minute because the cables on the deck have not reset...

 

F&cked...

During that same night you hear "you're on glide slope" from the crew of a destroyer.

Edited by ironroad

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I work in the local hospitals warehouse, the other day I issued for one of the medical instruments five, and this is no S**T, vaginal light bulbs.

 

What I want to know is

 

1 How do you install them?

 

2 Does the light go out when she closes her legs?

 

and

 

3 Can you use one to recharge a glow in the dark condom?

:tomato2:

Edited by firehawkordy

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