Two

[+Dave 2,322]

Two cannibals were eating a clown when the first cannibal turns to the second cannibal and says. "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Stick 773]

I see you are playing stupid again-I see you are winning too!

 

J/k; the kids will love it.

[Nesher 628]

LOL

[+Dave 2,322]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

[+Erik 1,812]

I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.

[+Dave 2,322]

I asked my wife what she wanted for our 25th anniversary, she said a divorce. 

[B52STRATO 215]

Typical Caribbean one: What is the difference between a hurricane and a woman ? None. It comes hot and humid, but it leaves with your home and your car.

[JediMaster 451]

Old Yakov Smirnoff joke:

 

In Russia we have saying, women are like buses.

 

That's it, women are like buses.

[+Erik 1,812]

Early mornings are great for spending time with the family. Then they spoil it by waking up.

[+Dave 2,322]

My wife asked if I could take the trash out, so I did. When I came back in the house she asked what I was doing there. 

[+Erik 1,812]

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

[+Dave 2,322]

A monk, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender says, is this a joke?

[+Erik 1,812]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[+Dave 2,322]

How do you confuse a blond?

 

You throw down 3 shovels and says take your pick.

[Skyviper 1,101]

I got into a fight with a little person. We were invovled in a traffic collision he stepped out and said "I'm not happy." And I asked "so which of them are you sleepy, dopy, which one? That's how the fight started.

[+Erik 1,812]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they actually worked.

[Skyviper 1,101]

Leroy Jenkins was the only black guy at a Louisiana Party some millionaire was throwing. The millionaire got bored and had a fourteen foot man eating alligator brought in and offered $500,000 to the first person that could defeat the alligator. Within seconds Leroy was in the pool and fighting the animal. The two went down the bottom of the pool and after a brief moment of silence the alligator floated up dead. Leroy crawled out and the millionaire offered him the prize. Leroy refused saying "All I want is to know the name of the person that pushed me in the pool."

Police officers in the United States fired 280 rounds at a cop killer. A reporter asked an officer on scene why they fired 280 rounds. The officer replied "We ran out of ammo"

[+Dave 2,322]

These cannibals captured a newspaper editor and his staff of reporters. A couple of reporters got away and thought they saw the editor get away too. Well that night they still couldn't find the editor so they took one of the cannibals hostage. They tied him up and asked where the editor was, the cannibal said editor got a promotion. The two reporters looked puzzled and asked, promoted how? The cannibal looked them the laughed and said the editor was promoted to editor-in-chief...

[+Erik 1,812]

A man went to a medical specialist to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

[+Dave 2,322]

Delta Force tryouts

Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Para-rescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you w...ill follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow.

"This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."

[Skyviper 1,101]

Two women were on their way home after a fun night out at the bar. They needed to pee really bad and had nowhere to go except for a nearby cemetery. The first one used her underwear to clean with and the second one used a ribbon from a nearby wreath.

 

Later that night their husbands are the phone talking to each other. The first says "My wife is not allowed to do this again."

 

The second asked "Why is that?"

 

"I came home and she was passed on the bed with no pants or panties on. I don't know what was going on but they aren't doing this girl's night out thing again."

 

The second husband said "Well hell my wife was passed on the bed too, she had on no pants or panties and there was a card stuck in her butt that said from all of us the fire station no. 3 we'll never forget you."

 

 

 

-------

Number two

 

A Scottish man was making his way home from the pub when passed out drunk on the side of the road. A few hours later some girls saw him on the side of the road and they tried to wake him up but he didn't reply. So the girls wondered what was under the kilt of a Scottish man and so they looked and saw what he has been gifted with. To prevent others from seeing they covered it up. When the Scotsman woke up we stumbled over to a nearby tree to pee and when he looked down he was surprised to see the blue ribbon tied his pen*s. And he said "I don't know where you've been but apparently you won first prize."

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

I pointed out to my girlfriend that there was less and less room left in her trousers. She pointed out that there was still much room left in my condoms...

 

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A man admires his naked body in the standing mirror of his room: "Two inches more, I would be a king !". His wife passing behind: "Two inches less, you would be a queen..."

[+Dave 2,322]

Two Eskimos were hauling wood in kayak across the Bering Sea. Well it got too cold, so they started a fire in the middle of the kayak. Well of course it burned though and the boat sank. The moral of the story is..... you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[+Erik 1,812]

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer, the lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f***ing Goofy"

[+Dave 2,322]

I went to my shrink and told him, "Doc last night I dreamed that I was a wigwam, then the other night I dreamed I was a TeePee. Whats wrong with me?"

 

He said calm down, you're two tents.