My Apologies to French Members......

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

But as an Englishman..on the 200th Anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo...I find it just TOO hard to resist :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following is France's war record. 
- Gallic Wars 
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War 
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars 
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion 
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War 
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution 
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War 
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War 
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French Historians the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession 
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution 
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution 
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars 
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War 
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I 
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II 
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina 
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion 
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism 
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Edited June 18, 2015 by UK_Widowmaker

[+Cliff7600 1,124]

Apologies denied

 

but have some fun, no problem with that.

[Evildeadmeat 153]

You'll be carpet bombed with tons of smelly cheese. Survivors will be drowned in cheap wine. We'll make you cry for mercy !!!

;)

[jeanba 1,915]

Back in the old French bashing time (2003), there was a similar text, but it was "serious" (or rather said : it was involuntarily funny)

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

Oh, well so? Rather try the comparative study down here: serious research over basic bias. Enjoy.

 

http://napoleonistyka.atspace.com/bayonet_battles.htm

[+Dave 2,318]

Ok its just funny....it really is.

[+RAVEN 414]

But why? Must be the wine.

[B52STRATO 215]

Well, your forces (Cruiser Tanks units the first) were even less tender in mockery with the Italians in North-Africa (alas this was taken seriously and many today in our Western world are convinced that apart the men from the Ariete division, all others only were pasta eater pussies who ran away and/or gave up without ever fighting).

 

Anyway, as I used to say to my friends from UK, the Froggy I am is proud to be the target of you Tea Timers. Our two great Nations have always been linked. And if we have been the oldest enemies, we were the greatest allies.

I could only wish one thing to those strictly looking to separate us : that a Jaguar make screaming her Rolls-Royce Adour with SNECMA afterbuters to burst their eardrums.

[Nesher 629]

hahaha :)

[Emp_Palpatine 501]

That's a big pile of bullshit. 


And now, I'll joke on the U.S. and U.K. vets and watch the yanks and the brits lose their minds. 

Edited June 18, 2015 by Emp_Palpatine

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

About their part in the fall of Napoleon, the English use to boast a lot about Trafalgar and the many other victories of the Royal Navy, about the Peninsula War (which was not always an one-sided campaign, see my link above), and of course, about Waterloo. Well, all of that is true. But don't forget that the most prominent and enduring role of Perfidious Albion was to indefatigably raise one coalition after the former one had failed, by shamelessly bribing the advisors and favorites of the absolute monarchs of Europe, and by cold-bloodly subsidizing the masses of Germanic and Slavic cannon fodder repeatedly poured on the battlefields. Sounds much less glorious, does it? A common saying at that time in Europe was: "England will fight to the last drop of Prussian, Austrian and Russian blood."

 

Also don't forget that at Waterloo, the British were only one third of the Allied army that began the battle (i.e. more than simply supported by Germans and Dutchmen), and thus much less than one quarter after the Prussians began to arrive en masse onto the battlefield. Add that among these "British", at least one third were actually Irishmen, the poorest part of the Kingdom in this army of social outcasts led by flogging and bullying. In the same way, the Brits in the Peninsula were heavily dependant on a large proportion of foreign troops (also useful when Wellington needed someone to put the blame on when defeated). The Redclads in Spain could never have made a safe step forward without their Portuguese light troops, among the few ones in Europe able to challenge the swarms of French skirmishers.

 

And the moral of Waterloo? A tyrant down, and then? A "tyrant" who had instituted the most advanced code of laws in Europe, and who won? Freedom? The winners on the one part were the absolute despots of Europe, Prussia, Russia and Austria, the gravediggers of Poland, all of them still resorting to medieval serfdom. At least, a page of History had been turned, and those anachronistic realms were by now doomed to progress or die. The other more pernicious winner was the London model of society of speculator ploutocracy, destined to spread all over the World the social misery it had established within its own kingdom, by its insatiable colonial appetite.

 

Yet it is still possible to reconcile the British sword with the French pen. Give a read again at the account of the battle by Victor Hugo in his most famous Les Misérables (Volume II, Book 1). Full of inaccuacies and writer's pure inventiveness, but God! it sounds like an ancient epic!

 

BOOK FIRST.—WATERLOO

[Emp_Palpatine 501]

Won't say anything about 1814 and 1815. We have been freed from a bloodthirsty tyrant by the Allies. 

[+JAT81500 135]

Our thing is not the war, it's LOVE !

[JediMaster 451]

France and the UK are now like rival football teams. They'll argue, they'll insult, they'll beat each other bloody for a slight, but when the chips are down they'll rally to the other's defense and won't let anyone take the other one down...because that's their job.

[Emp_Palpatine 501]

Well, most French are sadly brit-o-phobics. I am personnally not. We are best pals since the 1830's and some of my countrymen are forgetting WW1 and the Somme. 

[MrGoTime 20]

I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Well played, well played. 

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

Pleased that even our French Brethren took it on the chin..and maybe smiled a little?

(I'm half French by the way..on my Fathers side)

[+CrazyhorseB34 937]

I love France! A lot friendlier and nicer place for me to visit than the UK.

 

In an effort to add fact to the levity, France is the only country ever to lose a war to Mexico.......... Now that is just sorry.

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

I love France! A lot friendlier and nicer place for me to visit than the UK.

 

In an effort to add fact to the levity, France is the only country ever to lose a war to Mexico.......... Now that is just sorry.

Ahah! This one is a good kill... Yes, the Spanish defeat was to the Mexican insurgents, not to Mexico. But when it comes to our modern humiliations, at least we surrendered Indochina to a surprisingly trained and motivated army - while Britain surrendered India to a surprisingly nonviolent and vegetarian ascetic !!

[+CrazyhorseB34 937]

Wrong.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_intervention_in_Mexico

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinco_de_Mayo

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Camar%C3%B3n

 

 

Can't rewrite history. No matter how good you are at poetry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[+Dave 2,318]

Losing to Mexico is like losing to France?     j/k

[+CrazyhorseB34 937]

These pics are awesome!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Emp_Palpatine 501]

Remind me how the yanks were ass-kicked by hungry goat-fucking somalis? 

 

Worse than Mexican insurgents. Way worse. 

Edited June 19, 2015 by Emp_Palpatine

[+CrazyhorseB34 937]

We did not get our ass kicked by Somalis. We won. Say that to someone who ran the Mogadishu Mile.

 

And yes your country lost a war with Mexico. Not against insurgents. You where defeated by Benito Juarez' Republican Army. Study history.

 

Sorry.

 

I like France. Not picking a fight.

Edited June 19, 2015 by CrazyhorseB34

[jeanba 1,915]

Wrong.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_intervention_in_Mexico

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinco_de_Mayo

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Camar%C3%B3n

 

 

Can't rewrite history. No matter how good you are at poetry.

Hello

 

Lot's of things can be said but indeed, what was mis interpretated was the purpose of the French Mexican war : it was "just business".

Mexico was owing a very high debt to the European countries, so France decided to help in its recovery (mainly by looting Mexico's resources):

They invaded Mexico, gave power to a puppet emperor, took their money, and when the war started to be too expensive, they left.

There was no intent in staying long (unlike Algeria) and they wanted to spend as few money as possible to help for profitability.

Mexico resistance and US oppositions were only important as far as they made occupation more expensive.

It was a nice bargain for France and Europe in general.

 

The real mistake in France was that they were not concentrating on Prussia and did not realize their military organization was obsolete.

 

Edit : What is funny is that when you read french solidiers account on this war, you have the same feeling as when you read US accounts on Viet Nam war or  ... Somalia

They said they won but that stupid politician made them leave the country and lose the war.

Edited June 19, 2015 by jeanba