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UK_Widowmaker

OT Who'd be a parent?

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My Lord..it's bloody hard at times!

 

Son is nearly fourteen...He's a Good kid...but very hormonally challenged at the moment..and was being downright lippy to Mrs Widowmaker and I....and I'm afraid I lost it a bit...grabbed him by the arms, chucked him down on the Sofa...and verbally ripped into him!

 

He felt worse for that for about 15mins...I feel worse for it several hours later...I really hate losing my cool...I have always felt, it's a weakness....but, y'know....sometimes!

 

Anybody else feel like that?

Edited by UK_Widowmaker

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I know how you feel. Mine haven't reached the teens but I (& the wife) do lose cool occasionally. Sometimes it seems like they won't listen unless you grab them & shout at them. I do feel a bit bad, and couldn't I be more like my dad who was so hands off he barely did any parenting until we left home. Yeah, it's a weakness but you are who you are and unless you're going off on one daily/hourly, it's nothing to worry about.

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My dad only had to get rough with me a couple of times when I was a teenager, but in all cases it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't worry about it being the "weak" choice. Sometimes its exactly what a kid needs.

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My dad's never got "rough" with me that I can remember, but I have had a few verbal lashings previously. If I was lippy I did feel bad about it for quite some time, and generally later went back and said sorry about it. But I hope think I've got over that stage now. grin.gif

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i don't have the experience with teens yet (besides thinking about my own youth), since my son is now just a year and two months old. but i think the behaviour of them, trying to test you how far they can go, is similar in a way. generally i would say it is ok. human species is more or less still a version of monkeys or gorillas, and every family-tribe there has a silverback or an alphamale. and if the younglings try to test them and go too far, then he is drumming angrily on his chest. i think the human is similar in a civilisized way, of course differently with small childs than with teens, but the point is to show them "you better don't go any further, son."

if you are usually not like this (which i hope), then your son will definitely know he went too far, and he will be sorry. you protected the respect of your wive, his mother and that was exactly your job.

also it's important for him to know that you can be a friend, a mate and a pal, but you are still the parents and an authority he has to respect. not only just because you are parents, but because you earned the respect.

i don't think you went too far. you did not hurt him, it's not happening often. he just crossed the line and you were drumming on your chest. that's all. :salute:

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Been there. My 14 year old son knows not to mess with the missus because he knows that dad will be on him like stink on "S". The good thing is that he's still scared that I'll use "Marine Tortures" on him. Now if only I could figure out what those are...it's great to have an organizational reputation. Like President Truman once said "Marines have a propaganda office better than Stalin's" :cool:

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No worries Widow. Every kid needs that at some point and you make a strong statement when you react that way as long as it's not the norm. They're tough to get through to at times and a good old-fashioned lesson is exactly what they need. My kids are only 4 and 2 so I'm not anywhere near that phase but I'm sure I'll get there with my son at some point.

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True enough guys..thanks.

 

I was really beaten as a Kid...I mean, if my old man did today, what he did to me as a Kid...he'd be doing time at her majesty's pleasure!

 

I think therefore, on the (very, very) rare times, I lose my rag...it harks back to those days for me...which is very uncomfortable to say the least.

 

I've never hit my son for that reason.... Beating people (certainly in my case)...just makes them even more rebelious...and difficult to deal with... My mum died when I was 10..and I stayed at home with my dad until I was 15...and then ran away from home...never to return....I know it was hard for him, trying to bring up an unruly teenage Boy on his own...but hey...no excuse for violence...certainly not at that level methinks.

 

I reckon, in some respects I've been a little too soft at times with Matt... but, he did apologise...and in the circumstances, and reading what you guys have said.... all's well that ends well :drinks:

Edited by UK_Widowmaker

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Are you trying your best to do what you think is right? Well then who can do better than that? Kids don't come with manuals and they don't all learn and respond the same way. A hard hand on one kid brings them in line. For another it just breeds rebellion. As a parent, the best you can do is try to go with your gut instinct for what needs to be done and then watch closely to see the effect that is has. If it doesn't work and you've tried it repeatedly, it's probably time to change 'teaching strategies'. Feeling bad about having to take a tough line with them just shows that you really care. It's when you walk away unconcerned with the effect your behavior has on your kid that you need to start worrying, because that's when it's no longer about teaching the kid right from wrong. It's just about you taking out frustrations on them. That's when your making things worse, not better. More often than not, your kid can feel the difference between the two. Didn't you when you were a kid and your dad punished you?

 

Hellshade

Edited by Hellshade

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I'm a single parent of a 10 year old girl. Can be tough but we get on like a hosue on fire. I have hit her (obviously not punch but slap behind) twice when she was younger and I regret it ever since.

 

It's hard work but also the best thing I will ever do.

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Been There.

I have a teen daughter, and on her best days, her life is in serious jeopardy of coming to a screeching halt.

As you say, hormonally challenged, and much too lippy.

I always have to remind myself that as a teenager, regardless of how much they THINK they know, they're not THAT smart, and don't think things all the way through.

 

Take a deep breath, relax, and remember that pretty much every parent in the world has gone thru the exact same thing you have. You didn't hurt him, just reminded him that he is NOT an adult yet, and NOT your equal, and NOT in any position to be mouthing off.

 

Besides, putting the fear of GOD (and DAD) into them needs to be reinforced every so often. :rofl: You do the best you can, and go from there.

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Son is nearly fourteen...He's a Good kid...but very hormonally challenged at the moment..and was being downright lippy to Mrs Widowmaker and I....and I'm afraid I lost it a bit...grabbed him by the arms, chucked him down on the Sofa...and verbally ripped into him!

 

VERBALLY? When I was that age, my father would give me a dozen lashes :yikes:

 

However, he never lost his cool. He'd come home from work tired, mother would fill him in on whatever bad thing I'd done while he was gone, and he'd sigh heavily get changed into comfortable clothes. Then I'd be summoned to his room where we'd have a sort of "captain's mast" proceedure. He'd calmly recite the charges against me, ask me if I had anything to say in my defense, decide my excuses didn't hold water, explain why, and then would sentence me to a flogging with his belt, which was carried out immediately. Afterwards, as far as he was concerned, the incident was over.

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Widow, I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure that this counts for grown-ups as for kids:

when he knows he did something wrong or even something bad, then he knows why

your fuses melted down - and he knows he deserved it.

On the other hand: if you later realise you did him wrong - it would be real strength

if you would be able to ask him for excuse.

The judgement for fair treatment is in us all - kids and parents.

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I was a single parent of my young daughter (8 to 12) while in the military. I tried to provide a good loving home life for both of us. I also believed in setting rules and taking responsibility for breaking them. Communication, personal respect for each other and accountability was the rule in our home along with a loving relationship. Personal Responsibility and Accountability is most important. Punishment was rare, but it was also part of our life. The paddle was for major incidents and that was only a couple swats on the behind. I think I had to use the paddle only three or four times. Luckily, I found a wonderful lady who came into our lives about the time Vickie began asking questions that Dads are uncomfortable answering. She is now married, a nurse, with two college degrees, working in the emergency room of a major hospital in Denver. Years later, she told me the paddle didn't hurt and was almost a joke, but she was hurt and felt bad because she knew it hurt me more. Yes, I am very proud of my little girl.

 

 

 

 

Rich

 

 

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I was a single parent of my young daughter (8 to 12) while in the military. I tried to provide a good loving home life for both of us. I also believed in setting rules and taking responsibility for breaking them. Communication, personal respect for each other and accountability was the rule in our home along with a loving relationship. Personal Responsibility and Accountability is most important. Punishment was rare, but it was also part of our life. The paddle was for major incidents and that was only a couple swats on the behind. I think I had to use the paddle only three or four times. Luckily, I found a wonderful lady who came into our lives about the time Vickie began asking questions that Dads are uncomfortable answering. She is now married, a nurse, with two college degrees, working in the emergency room of a major hospital in Denver. Years later, she told me the paddle didn't hurt and was almost a joke, but she was hurt and felt bad because she knew it hurt me more. Yes, I am very proud of my little girl.

 

 

 

 

 

Rich

 

Testament to a Job well done!

 

Consistency is a major factor...If you misbehave, this is what will happen 100% of the time..is a useful tool in many circumstances

Edited by UK_Widowmaker

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After the divorce, my then teenaged son got it into his head that HE was suddenly the head of the household at his mother's house. While she and I couldn't live together, we both continued to be parents.

One evening, as I was picking them up for the weekend, #1 6-foot son, in his stocking feet tried to tell his mother how things were going to work. She looked at me, I looked at him, grabbed him by his shirt front and because he was in socks, he went to his knees with considerabe force.

 

I then informed him that no one had conferred knighthood on him yet, and that this sort of behavior would cease.

 

It did, and things smoothed out and today, it's the subject of laughter as he raises his own teenager.

 

There is a lot to be said for a modest show of force; it both tells him/her that their behavior is out of bounds, and that it won't be tolerated.

 

I wouldn't be concerned about your justifiable irritation so long as it doesn't become the norm.

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When I reached 17 and was big and tough enough, I went toe-to-toe with my dad who was a very physically strong and domineering man and not to be taken lightly. I challenged him physically and he more-or-less backed down. I don't believe he did it because he was afraid of me but more because he realized I needed to establish myself as a man and he told me later that he respected that. It can be a coming of age of sorts for a boy to establish himself as a physical equal to his dad, and I think many at that age need to take that step for one reason or the other. But as Hellshade mentioned, every child is different and it's the job of a parent to adapt until they find what works.

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As Hellshade said "children don't come with a manual". If they did the manual would probably be translated from chinese and you wouldn't understand a word of it anyway.

 

I've brought up 2 girls now the ages of 28 and 19 and both were at the receiving end of a verbal lashing from me at some stage during their early teenage years. You do what you think is right but that doesn't ensure that you'll feel good about it afterwards. It seems that your children "leave" you at some stage during their teens, become someone you're not familiar with, but as long as they know they're loved then they'll return and love you back.

 

My 2 girls turned out just great.

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A good friend of mine gave me advice just a few months after my daughter was born. He told me to always be their parent first, and friend second. They won't always like the discipline, lessons, etc. and as a parent you may feel the same about giving it especially when it's a hard lesson. But you have to show them the way and sometimes it requires 'less than delicate' means and in the end (as adults) if you raise them right, they'll understand why you did the things you did.

Edited by Shiloh

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Lots of probelms with my daughters Mum. Mental health issue and she has Aspergers and Freja also shows signs of being "special".

 

So, though she gets told off a fair bit, we have a great relastionship. We are like to best friends. Which in Frejas case really works. She needs that sort of connection. We have exactly the same interests (well she loves gaming).

 

I'm still her Dad but also her Mum and best mate all rolled into one!

 

She is highley intelligent, very mature for her age and a very funny.

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