Post random things thread

[+Dave]

Chuck Norris threw a grenade into a crowd of people. 50 people died, then the grenade went off. 

[Atreides]

Facebook WWII

[hrc]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.
 
Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
 
Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.
 

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid catholic bitch."
 
She laughed and said, "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-humper."

Edited November 4, 2013 by hrc

[Nesher]

Jimmy Kimmel strikes again

[+RAVEN]

Aviation Pop quiz:

What's the difference between Cloud's and Fog?

Hint, one word answer .

[hrc]

Aviation Pop quiz:

What's the difference between Cloud's and Fog?

 

Density?

[B52STRATO]

I would bet more on something like f*ck! or c*ap!.

[+RAVEN]

Altitude .

[B52STRATO]

Celebrating the almost year old of this topic by paying tribute its first post with the same style

[hrc]

Let's piss off everyone!

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

 

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

 

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb idiot!

 

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

Edited November 20, 2013 by hrc

[Nesher]

source:

http://9gag.com/gag/aqmGVoY

 

haha, although some of the writing does strike me as a made up story.. it's still EPIC!!

[macelena]

That sounds true to me lol

[Atreides]

[MigBuster]

 

[Nesher]

[MigBuster]

 

[hrc]

The Jewish Elbow…

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

____________________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

____________________________________________________

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading post random things on CombatAce

You hang in there, sunshine!

Edited December 15, 2013 by hrc

[macelena]

[FalconC45]

 

WTF??!

[macelena]

[xrearl]

x= int(rnd(1)*maxVal)+1

[Capitaine Vengeur]

A couple enters maternity hospital for delivery:

Man: - Oh darling, if the baby looks like you, it will be a wonder!

Woman: - Oh darling, if the baby looks like you, it will be a miracle...

 

 

A man arrives late at the maternity hospital, after his wife has completed delivery:

Man: - Oh darling, I am so ashamed to have missed the birth!

Woman: - Don't worry darling, after all you were not present either during the conception...

 

 

Dissymmetric libidos:

Man: - When you're dead, I could say: "Cold, at last."

Woman: - When you're dead, I could say: "Stiff, at last."

(authentic dialogue between Sacha Guitry and wife Yvonne Printemps)

[Nesher]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STDhAtCEGJg

 

Merry Christmas !

[Capitaine Vengeur]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STDhAtCEGJg

 

Merry Christmas !

Mmmm... Too much flesh, too much light, too much needing my Fleshlight !

[hrc]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

 

 

The woman replies, "It's Keith, ...... The dwarf"