+Stary 2,427 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I'm an alcoholic. I've been drinking since I was 21. 9 years it is. When did it started? On 9/11 perhaps. When I saw the planes in a foreign country hitting The Towers, and I realized how so smart, yet simple move it was. I think 9/11 was the begining of my downfall... from a well-perceived student of architecture to a bum I become two years later. edit: I finished, have Royal Institute of British Architects certificate, so no worries about this. What is it to be alcohol addicted? It's all about being alone, becoming left and spending weekends alone. I lost too many people I still call Friends. During this journey of mine, I've spend too many New Years unconciously at my flat. Not watching the fireworks. About becoming man (moderators, please edit) I've lost my virginity at age of 26, with a hooker. Gabi was Her name. About loving Being drunk makes you dizzy, makes you angry, makes you claim whatever's not yours. Makes you lost, loosing The One you love. Makes you jealous... hitting The One you loved for 4 years in the face. Makes you interact in looosely based sex relationships. Being drunk not able to satisfy... About friends. Lost them. Won't speak to me again, I really can't say I wonder why. Just let me give you insights: 30 years old male with 23 years old hooker type girl (in a red dress that makes you set world on flames) writng at night she just had seks with her 50+ boss... bad combination. Smashing your only love you had in your miserable life. Not good. Smashing your friend not good too... Not answering phone from your new 19-years old girlfriend: please all repeat: not good... About family. They get used to after few years.... edit: and after few "visitations" in the ER edit 2: typo in RIBA Edited January 19, 2011 by Stary Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightshift82 5 Posted January 19, 2011 That's very brave of you to write that, it takes courage to not only admit it to yourself, but to share it with others. I think your healing starts here with sharing, you have the potential, just look at the wonderful things you create for our community. I think if you can put in at least half the energy you've put into the mods you've gave us, into yourself and digging your way out, you'll be on the right track. I don't hate you after reading what you shared with us, I'm proud of you for doing so. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Stary 2,427 Posted January 19, 2011 indeed it takes courage to write back afer such post, takes even more to answer, NightShift Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wrench 9,865 Posted January 19, 2011 Courage is admitting it ... openly and to all. You've already done that. Does it change my opinion? Yes, and for the better. It makes ME proud to know someone with the guts to stand up and say who and what they are; something I've yet to come to terms with. Even though we've never met in person, I'm very proud to number you amongst the amazing people I've met here and in the "Real World" Like NightShift said, now it's just a matter of redirecting energy towards another goal. You CAN do it!! wrench kevin stein 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mannie 21 Posted January 19, 2011 Stary my friend. Whenever you need to talk, you know where to find me. You are a brave guy my man. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slartibartfast 153 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Alcohol does that to us I have had a few close calls with it to the point I barely drink nowadays, but as Nightshift stated it takes courage to first of all admit it and then more courage to start talking about it. For you the journey to recovery has started its continuing the way you have started by talking about it even if its on a forum. The hardest loss is losing your own sense of worth for this I understand. May your courage carry you to a successful outcome. And in dealing with this for yourself it is one step at a time. My best advice is simple write to yourself and keep writing, write down all the bad things as well as the good but keep at it for it may help or it may not. Good luck with this and whichever way you want to go just figure it out in your own time. May you be successful in this. As the guys above have said Proud to know you even though I don't know you in person. Edited January 19, 2011 by Slartibartfast Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+hgbn 91 Posted January 19, 2011 If you need support in any way my friend then I'm here. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nesher 628 Posted January 19, 2011 I can't imagine how it feels like telling your story so open.. most of us I guess are starngers after all but it's a brave thing to do good luck in keeping on recovering! hope you'll find a new and good path in your life Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UK_Widowmaker 571 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) hgbn is correct...It's all about support. You have done the hardest part..You have admitted to yourself, and others.. that there's a problem in your life. One thing you cannot do, when it comes to Alcohol dependancy..is 'sort yourself out'...you need others to help you. It's never about alcohol in itself...you need professional support, and moral support from people in the same boat. You will make it Stary..people with your courage always do. But, please..pick up that phone, and dial some help...make them earn their wages! Edited January 19, 2011 by UK_Widowmaker Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xclusiv8 35 Posted January 19, 2011 Very brave of you Stary to tell this story. If i may ask a question. Why did 9/11 impact you so hard? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Dave 2,322 Posted January 19, 2011 Its kind of a coincidence you write this. Last week my depression got the best of me and I had to go do a walk in at the ole doc's office. I have had it since my mother killed herself in 2003. I was on meds for awhile, thought I was fine and struggled with it since. To deal with my depression over the years I had been drinking, and drinking alot. I finally had to stop last week as I went on kind of a bender last for the holidays. I feel your pain Stary. I really do. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Capitaine Vengeur 263 Posted January 19, 2011 Such a nuanceless balance sheet is the healthiest basis for a whole new start. Not every people is able of such honest, unindulgent awareness of oneself. Even less to confess it all. Sure, the chemical addiction to alcohol is probably one of the hardiest things to conquer in the world: strong will usually proves unsufficient, help from others is often necessary. You can find it. Most of the people you have well known must have appreciated the man you were before. This man is surely not dead. An alcoholic is not a werewolf, completely losing the richest part of his personality. This part you still own. Somewhere. Here, you are acknowledged as a gifted and appreciated artist. Share one evening completely devoted to pals, and another one completely devoted to alcohol. Never both in the same time, never try to meet anybody on those dark wet nights. Select the most understanding and patient people to confess and ask for support. Admit you probably won't get out of it alone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
macelena 1,070 Posted January 19, 2011 Many of us got troubles like this, Stary. We get over it sooner or later I remember my own. Got depressed. Maybe embitterned would be more accurate. I felt no simpathy for anybody. I saw no reason to live the way i allways wanted to live, and any other way seemed ashaming. I left anything, studies, relationships, et cetera, i didn´t care about anything. Once, i almost got hit by a SUV while crossing a street, and in a moment in the wich i was sure it would kill me, i mean as certain as the facvt that i´m writing this, i didn´t feel fear, nor shame for not living, just curiosity about how it would be, even when i´m what most people would call an atheist, nothing about afterlife nor anything. Fortunately, like a miracle, it braked down and stopped less than 30 cms (a feet, in imperial measures) from me. I got drunk , heavily. Once and again. Started to smoke. At a time, i got severely drunk in the flat of a friends. One of the flat mates saw me puking on the floor, caught my neck and tried to drive me out of the apartment. I hit him, i gave no damn about anything. As i was bigger than him, about 20cm (8 inches) taller and 20 Kgs (40 pounds) heavier, i took him down despite how drunk i was. Fortunately the people there took us apart. For a moment i saw him lying on the floor, his eyes open, i thought i had delivered severe damage to him, left him impaired, or even killed. What i felt at that moment, that terror and shame, is what kicked me up. Again, luckily he was OK, at least better than what i had initially feared. In the end, i found again a meaning for living in a honorable way. I´ve got the priviledge of having friends wich i would trust anytime, anywhere. I met my girlfriend, who may become my wife with the time. I didn´t give up smoking, nor drinking, but i haven´t got drunk since the beating in the apartment. I got back to my studies, passing my subjects. I had tought of joining the military once graduated from university, but i changed my priorities and will get into law enforcement. Basically, what i mean is that you get over it, you life is allways a bit different, leaves marks, scares, wich are a sign of seniority. You may find what you need on others. You will get out of the s**t. Join a clinic or anything, i think that acknowledge of your troubles is the first and harder step. Look for help, you are to get fine 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JediMaster 451 Posted January 19, 2011 You can fight it, Stary. Just remember one thing...you're not "smart enough" to beat it. You can't out-think it. You can't beat it, no one can. You'll never be "cured." You can't let your guard down and think "well, now it's ok" because you'll find yourself back at square one. Realize that you will be involved in a struggle the rest of your life, but that you can persevere if you hold on to what that life means to you, and you will come out better for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+whiteknight06604 934 Posted January 19, 2011 I am very proud to count you guys as friends.I wish I had half the courage and self awareness you have shown. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Panama Red 22 Posted January 19, 2011 Nobody is perfect and we all have problems !!! All you can do is recognize your problems and then set about correcting them. Unfortunately, a lot of people never get far enough to realize their problems, so they can never correct them. You have taken the first big step on at least recongnizing the problem so you can try correcting it., Congratulations and good luck. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Derk 265 Posted January 19, 2011 Respect my friend !! And make sure you start respecting yourself again: many reasons for that !!! Houdoe, Derk 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbolt 104 Posted January 19, 2011 man, you failed sometimes....we all fail , but you got your first step torwards change in your live, you're never to old to grow personally, i know because last year teached me a lot. my heavy drinking phase is over for a long time now...thank god i felt bad sometimes in a level i would never do again, so i quite slow down it, even tho i do in special occasions... you're lucky to be alive to admit as my couse ....he crashed his car at 80km/h while drunk , he almost died, and it's not the first time. Stary man, count on me if you need, i'll be open to hear you even if i'm not the best example for society 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Piecemeal 450 Posted January 19, 2011 I have had an still do have friends that have walked down the same dark path as yourself. One unfortunately died two years ago. Unlike other 'old friends' we've had over the years I still try to keep in touch with them for the simple reason that having a family member with the same affliction enables you to understand that friend that little bit more than others. If anything I respect you even more for your statement. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Stary 2,427 Posted January 19, 2011 hgbn is correct...It's all about support. You have done the hardest part..You have admitted to yourself, and others.. that there's a problem in your life. One thing you cannot do, when it comes to Alcohol dependancy..is 'sort yourself out'...you need others to help you. It's never about alcohol in itself...you need professional support, and moral support from people in the same boat. You will make it Stary..people with your courage always do. But, please..pick up that phone, and dial some help...make them earn their wages! my Parents, the hardest call of many Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Stary 2,427 Posted January 19, 2011 Very brave of you Stary to tell this story. If i may ask a question. Why did 9/11 impact you so hard? facing the Great Loss on the TV... Smashing my head, you got the point Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+ST0RM 145 Posted January 19, 2011 To All: I salute all of you for your courage to write some very private things about yourselves. As has been said, it's the first step in recovering. Alcohol almost got the best of me. Joining the AF at 18, away from home etc... It wasn'nt until I got married and almost destroying that, did I wake up and see what I was doing. I still enjoy a few beers, but I won't go all out and drink a 12 pack and chase it with shots. Plus I'm nearly 38. It hurts too much. I wish you all the best in your upcoming trials. It will be tough, but I'm sure you'll make it through. -Jeff Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Stary 2,427 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Stary my friend. Whenever you need to talk, you know where to find me. You are a brave guy my man. sadly Mannie, you know my story, too welll. Edited January 19, 2011 by Stary Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FalconC45 162 Posted January 19, 2011 Stary, I have a family member who is a drug addict and got caught of stealing money from his work. So I thought your post was brave to do my friend. I'm here if you need a ear like all of us will do. Falcon Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
