Dear Citizens of America

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

*PLEASE NOTE...THIS IS JUST A BIT OF FUN...DON@T TAKE IT PERSONALY*

 

 

 

Dear Citizens of America,

 

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

 

 

Your new prime minister, David Cameron, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

 

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

 

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

 

 

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

 

 

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

 

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

 

 

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,

but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

 

 

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will

be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

 

 

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

 

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

 

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

 

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

 

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

 

 

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

 

 

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

 

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

 

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

 

 

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

 

 

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

 

 

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

 

 

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

 

 

Thank you for your co-operation

 

John Cleese

 

Read more: Letter To United States Of America http://www.neforum2.co.uk/smf/humour-and-funny-jokes/letter-to-united-states-of-america/#ixzz1Lqo2Yd1u

Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial

[Slartibartfast 153]

:rofl:

 

Here Here crazy colonists... and for our next line we dissolve the European Union for being a stupid idea in the first place... whoever throught all those countries would be friends after the pas 300 years...

Edited May 9, 2011 by Slartibartfast

[TX3RN0BILL 3]

 

Pure gold!!!

 

 

[Gr.Viper 131]

@#15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9cTXl5ApEk

[Capitaine Vengeur 263]

So many differences that you couldn't believe there is any sort of kinship between both nations!!!

 

Add replacing peanut butter with orange marmalade and tabasco sauce with pickles, and you'll soon have a Second War of Independence (well, a third one, after Dixie's failed attempt). And "Tea Party" will mean at last again something else than a laughable pool of... ... Mmm, well, I won't turn political...

 

And please, don't look again at us French, you Yanks: this time, you have a navy strong enough by large to deal with the British Navy all by yourselves! Hah!

[ShrikeHawk 384]

Hey if all that means Congress will go away and we'll finally get decent beer, it could be a significant improvement.

 

I'm not giving up American football, though...

[Derk 265]

Please add the compulsory answer to anything proposed by a person of the opposite sex: ".... no sex please, we are British...."

 

Houdoe,

 

Derk

[+Typhoid 231]

Excellent!

 

[+JonathanRL 974]

This one seems to get thrown around every time the Brittish gets a new PM. I see it at least twice a week... :D

[+Typhoid 231]

This one seems to get thrown around every time the Brittish gets a new PM. I see it at least twice a week... :D

 

And every US election for the last decade. Hilarious every time.

 

[+Dave 2,322]

OMG that was funny. I woudl like the better beer part please.....

[Caesar 305]

Great stuff! Especially liked the additional YouTube post by Viper: "It's f****** close to water!"...though this reveals to me the Pythons haven't been to our microbreweries!

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

A testament to our American Friends, that they can also laugh at themselves!.....I salute you gents!

[xrearl 27]

Ok I admit Guinness is too strong!my piss beer is Fat Tire

Edited May 9, 2011 by xrearl

[Skyviper 1,101]

ROFL I'm printing this one off.

[SayethWhaaaa 245]

We got stuck into the poor American girl in one of my lectures last week about the 'proper' pronunciation of aluminium (Alu-mini-um, not Aloom-inum, bloody savages!) and why it was that Seppos make the H silent on words like how 'herbs' become 'erbs' and so on and it was all quite funny until the cute Canadian girl got involved, then it was on like Donkey Kong between them. What is it with you guys (Yanks) and Canadians?? Was there some secret Vietnam that happened between your two nations that you've somehow managed to keep secret??

 

 

Oh, #5, priceless! I'm so sick of English (US) defaulting itself randomly even after I've changed it to civiliSed English in my MS Office. Seriously? Who uses the Z button outside of spelling Zebra and other words beginning with Z?

Edited May 10, 2011 by Say What?!

[Lexx_Luthor 57]

I can submit to this. I've always done it.

 

Wourds...I never thought of this.

 

 

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’

 

My fave submission is to Russia. Back when Oleg releaced screenshots of the upcoming P-51 cockpit over The-FB at teh UBI, the cockpit panel said CANOPY RELEACE. There was so much whining and pulling of teeth on the threads it was so funny to read, I had to start spelling releace as "releace" after that. Its sorta like a spelling mod.

 

Lend Leace too.

[firehawkordy 34]

I work at a Medical Center that is also a training facility and we get Doctors from all over the world as well as a few nurses. It never fails that every year one of our residents will use the wrong idiom or totally misunderstand what was said. My normal smart ass reply is " don't worry Doc, we know you understand English, you just have to learn American. Watching a doctor from Europe trying to talk to a Mexican patient through an interpreter is just painful. It's like a New Yorker talking to someone from Alabama through a Texan, each one is looking at the other like WTF?

Edited May 11, 2011 by firehawkordy

[CowboyTodd41 134]

...not Kansas though? Looks like I'm still proud to be an American!

[Razorback 6]

I think you meant to post this 10 years ago.

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

I think you meant to post this 10 years ago.

 

Well...It gave some people a bit of a laugh..So there ya go

[fallenphoenix1986 603]

Regarding the "alluminum", try studying mechanical engineering in scotland with a lecturer from Phoenix.... drove us bloody nuts!

Think this ones worthy of printing :)

 

Craig

[+SkippyBing 8]

Regarding the "alluminum"

 

The thing most Brits don't notice is that Americans pronounce it the way they spell it, they're missing the second i.

There's actually a good reason for this, it's the original spelling as coined by the great Cornish scientist Humphry Davy (inventor of the Miners Lamp and various other things as well as being notable for spelling his name with two less Es than I would have), who was the first to refine it.

It was only some miserable English language imperialist who decided that the second i should be added to it to sound more classical (as in Latin) and tie in with all the other exciting new elements that were being discovered.

Personally I like saying aluminum to wind up people who seem to thing that that's the most important thing to be worrying about, and then claim my Cornish heritage as the reason.

[MAKO69 186]

To be American can never be removed, GOOD LUCK!

 

 

 

 

Edited May 14, 2011 by MAKO69

[UK_Widowmaker 571]

and from us over the pond!

Edited May 14, 2011 by UK_Widowmaker